What the Heck?

I have not been blogging much because quite frankly I don’t have time. My weeks look like this:

Monday – Drive from Columbus to Cleveland

Tuesday – Work in Cleveland

Wednesday – Work in Cleveland and plan to go home at the end of the day, but stay because…work. 

Thursday – Work in Cleveland and try to finish before 3:00 pm to make it home by dinner – not a guarantee. 

Friday – it’s a crap shoot if I make it home to my family (well, my daughter and pets) before 5:00 pm. 

Saturday – Clean and cook so that when I leave again there is food and the apartment doesn’t look like pigs live in it. 

Sunday – Laundry and pack – hopefully have a meal with my daughter and go to bed early. 

Part of me wishes for a normal life.  You know the fairytale that looks like this:

Get up (without a migraine and looking amazing)

Make everyone breakfast while smiling and being cheerful)

Send everyone on their way, take a leisurely shower, get ready and go to work (after making sure the house is immaculate and dinner is prepped)

Come home, do homework, make dinner and enjoy family time

Everyone goes to bed without a problem and I can enjoy wine, a bath, a good book or some television 

Go to bed with my loving partner and do it all again the next day

What. The. Heck. 

Who knows if this is really a thing.  If it is, shit, I want in on it. 

My life is instead riddled with anxiety, thoughts of not being good enough, add some level of hating how I look and make sure to include a healthy fear of being alone forever. 

Again, what the heck?

When I called my mom tonight and kindly explained (through tears) that I was not wanting to come home Sunday because it meant a lot of unnecessary driving, she made me feel like it is all my fault that I have a job that takes me out of town.

Yes mom, it is my fault. 

It’s my fault I live in Columbus

It’s my fault I travel too much. 
It’s my fault I go home to Columbus Saturday morning to come back to Cleveland Sunday for Easter, back to Columbus and then go back to work Monday morning in Cleveland. 

I must come home and drive 10+ hours over less than 72 hour period to appease my mom.

It’s no wonder I’m single and find it impossible to fall in love.  When the hell do I have time to date?

I miss my home.  I miss having a life.  I miss my daughter and I miss my pets. 

That right there is my life. I work hard and go without a lot to make them happy.  Because they make me happy.  I sacrifice and sometimes put myself and my needs last to make sure they are cared for.

Just for once I would love to not be left saying what the heck and shaking my head at the end of each day. 

What’s next?

I’m not sure, but I’m open for suggestions!

Monday Musings

Well, another weekend has come and gone and I am pretty sure I accomplished nothing.  Zip, zero, zilch – nada.

When I reflect back on it, I guess I had a good weekend with a hectic social life, that allowed me to spend time with family and friends.

Then I wonder why did I spend time with everyone instead of taking time for me?

Then the anxiety edges in, the headache, the nausea and shit I have just made myself sick, all because I am a people pleaser who can’t ever say no to anyone.

You see, I don’t think like most people. My mind races constantly, I worry all day long and I am always wondering what people think about what Insay, wear or do.

I could have stayed home alone, but instead I went to see the Cincinnati Thunder play on Friday, which was a sad game, but the company was amazing! I saw extended family I don’t see often and got caught up in a spectacular lightening storm on my way home.

Saturday gave way to an old friend bringing their girlfriend to Columbus for her first NHL game and dinner.  The game was amazing and being around friends was great. I think however that I managed to be kinda rude and pulled away from the guy I went with. You see, as awesome, exciting and great the first coupleof weeks were, I managed to shut it down as fast as it started. 

Here is how I feel at the moment…

  • I am too picky and too stubborn – I don’t think that I can deal with anyone else in my life. 
  • I can’t be mean to people (most of the time).
  • I don’t like rejection and I don’t like to reject anyone. 
  • I like affection and love – on my terms.
  • I don’t like messes.
  • I need to feel safe.
  • There are times I am lovey dovey and there are times I am not. It all depends on how I am feeling.
  • Part of my personality is being very organized and very structured.
  • I like calendars, plans and routine. 

I became very overwhelmed after the first couple weeks he and I dated and it has pushed me to shut down.

It was super exciting, new, pleasurable and wonderful. Then it became too much. 

I was trying to work through it all, but still…

I have always been in a relationship that makes the other person happy, the old Jody would say “vacation with you and your family = awesome” or “you love me, great let’s move in together“. 

This Jody knows she can more or less do it on her own and do it well, so anyone I let in is a added bonus. 

  • It will take a special person to love me the way I am. 
  • It will take a special person for me to love and not feel like they are a “project” for me. 
  • I am a head case.
  • I wonder if dating is all that it is cracked up to be?

After a family/friend fun weekend that concluded with a birthday party for an adorable three-year old and being surrounded by people, I closed my eyes and wondered what else is out there?

Deep inside, maybe I am a loner. I blend in with everyone around me, choose to be social and then I am sad, but content when everyone is gone. I love a small group of people that include family and a few good friends, to get inside that circle, you have to be pretty awesome and patient.

It is Monday night, I am in need of sleep and work just keeps piling on. I am no good to anyone right now, not even myself or my daughter. I am snippy, bitchy and downright cranky.

This quote from Horacio Jones says it best:

“I like being alone. I have control over my own shit. Therefore, in order to win me over, your presence has to feel better than my solitude. You’re not competing with another person, you are competing with my comfort zones.”

Peace and well wishes friends.