Inching Along

I have been getting Facebook messages asking if I was going to blog again and how I was doing, in which case I thought maybe a post with pictures showing what’s been going on since August 14, 2017.

I took a quick trip to Chicago, came home and spent a short bit of time with these two lovelies after work one night. Then it was off to home with my daughter to get ready to send her off to college

After an extensive shopping spree and two car loads, we got her all settled in and I headed towards home.

I had spent most of my summer alone, as my girl was living life in Tennessee. While she was gone I realized I needed to start making some life choices.

After a “last meal” at my favorite place, Condado Taco, I started delving into the lovely world of meal prep. I was edging on a 4-5 day work trip and needed to make sure I wasn’t tempted to go out to eat.

On August 25, 2017, I hit my highest weight in years of 215 lbs. I was devastated and knew it was time to make changes. Meal prep, joining Planet Fitness and investing in an iWatch were all on the list of things to do.

Enjoyed a night out with some girlfriends and started back on the journey of deciding that I was worth it. That someone, somewhere would find me lovable, attractive and worthy of spending time with.

The following week was HELL at work, getting a grant submitted. I got home from that week and wanted nothing more than to sleep for days!

Spent Labor Day weekend visiting family, enjoying good ice cream from a local spot and baking some treats!

Loving on these four creatures as much as possible.

Had a few dates, been to the gym and have continued to cook, clean and declutter my home.

I have an outside cat (or three) who visit my porch frequently that I am feeding and I am set for a couple weeks of busy work and family/friend activities.

Things have really been uneventful, I’ve been up and I’ve been down. I’ve been pretty and I’ve been in pajamas.

Entering into sports season and that makes me happy, especially since that means post-season baseball, football, college football and hockey. I think basketball starts soon, but I’ll leave that to my mom.

Maybe this post will be my catalyst back into blogging and reviewing. Who knows, as I say that often.

Sending peace & love to you!

It’s Okay, I’m Nobody

Lately I find myself thinking more and more like I am disposable.  I'm not really one to get down on myself, but lately I am beginning to wonder where I fit in.

It's kind of like high school all over again.  I never really fit in anywhere specific.  Ask my best friend, she will tell you.  I wasn't in band, couldn't sing, don't have a lick of artistic ability and while I played travel soccer, high school sports were not my thing.  I acted a bit, but it wasn't 100% for me.

I didn't date, never really had a boyfriend and most of the time I kept to myself, only to act out when I wanted attention, not always the good kind. Yearbook was okay, but I couldn't commit and I wasn't one to really work that hard to find friends.  It wasn't until Mrs. Herbruck and DECA did I really feel accepted and like I belonged somewhere. 

Here I am 20+ years later, divorced and realizing I am in the same spot I was in back at Strongsville High School.

This is me. Pretty plain and simple. 

However when you visit my Facebook page and see over 1,000 friends or Twitter and see over 1,000 followers you would think that I am an influencer and that I've got game.  

Shit.  

You are wrong. 

I ain't got game and I am one person who can't influence diddly squat. It isn't for lack of trying – I do try and influence others about behavioral health, albeit not as successfully as I would like, but I try.

I am me.  Take me. Leave me.

Period. 

Sometimes I am a nobody, and sometimes I am a somebody.  

Depends on the day. 

The thing is, I may be a nobody, to you, but I am a somebody to someone. Somewhere.

Maybe smiling at a random person will make their day.

Maybe the sandwich I buy the homeless man will help him a little.

Maybe paying someone to help me out when I am in need will pay their bill.

Maybe the text or phone call out of nowhere to an old friend will wake up a friendship.

Maybe a blind date will turn into more.

To any one of those people I was a nobody, until I was somebody.

You see, while I struggle with life daily, not feeling wanted or needed, I have to lie down at night and realize I can't be everything to everyone, instead I will do what I can to be something to someone each day.

Living La Vida Alone

Here we go folks.

I am one step closer to being an empty nester.

After having my mini's graduation party this weekend (which was a HUGE success) I am realizing quickly how much I relied on her to be around.

Some say that this will give me time to get to know "me". Others say I will get to focus on my health and wellness. Then the third group says this will allow me to spread my wings and allow the freedom to date and travel.

To all of them I simply say "f**k off" because until you are in my shoes you will not understand the pain of realizing that person you have had in your home almost everyday for 18+ years will all of the sudden be sleeping somewhere 99% of the time.

I have been madly in love with being a mom since 1997. In between I have tried to find "hobbies" like scrapbooking, essential oil crafts, cooking, photography and many more.

Guess what – not successful.

Maybe it's my ADD. Maybe I just get bored easily. Either way I am finding myself cleaning out Rubbermaid tubs of crap that has gone by the wayside.

It has hit me recently, I just like taking care of people. That's all.

I keep busy with work, so my days plus some nights and weekends are full not to mention the animal brigade I have with me. Yet those 3-4 hours that I have alone are sometimes a little much to tolerate.

I think I'm starting to talk to myself people.

I ask the readers, what is it I should do? How have you dealt with being single and an empty nester?

Tonight I am starting with this:

What other thoughts do you have?

Every Road Leads to an End

I have heard this saying before in my life and I never really understood it.  Maybe that is because I think every road leads to something bigger and better.  

I would like to think that roads may twist and turn, but each road is an adventure that can lead to amazing and wonderful things. 

In life I have traveled down many paths and many roads.  Some were successful, some not so much. 

I figure that destiny will lead me down the path I am supposed to be on.  This may be because I avoided another road. I am good at avoiding roads.  If it is too challenging or complicated, I have been known to avoid it. I am not a fan of confrontation or causing myself to face adversity.

I’m currently faced with a number of conundrums in life.  My career, relationships and just life problems.  I am looking down a number of paths and each one has countless possibilities.  Which one will hurt the least amount of people? Which paths effect the least amount of people?

I would like to think of life as simple, but this thing called emotions is shattering me physically, mentally and emotionally.  I keep taking the road of helping others, but right now I need that shoulder to cry on.  Messy crying.  Lots of wine.

Learning to be alone. It’s not easy. It’s a path that I knew I was going to go down eventually, still not ready for it.  It hurts. 

Since every road has a different path, and I guarantee none of them are straight, I am finding out that I have some books to read, creativity to use and hobbies I need to start. 

Which road?  Where will I end up? 

Only getting out of my head and letting time pass will tell. 

Sigh

Tonight I sit at home in pajama pants with the sky darkening and threatening to rain.  The dog is snoring next to me, the cats are scattered and sleeping.  We are all pleasantly exhausted.

Tomorrow brings about Sam coming home for a few days so she can get her college orientation done and a doctors appointment. This week at work is crazy busy, but will be fulfilling as always. 

I still find myself saying “sigh” tonight, even after reading, making a huge bowl of pasta salad, watching Orange is the New Black and straightening up around the apartment.  I feel unaccomplished and like I am not doing something I should be. 

I sigh because my heart is heavy.  I am lost without having my baby girl home every night. Cooking for one has been a challenge.  Pippa misses Sam and so do the cats.  I sigh because I realize how many things my daughter has done to help me around the house that now I am doing.  I sigh when I want to talk about my day and she isn’t here. 

I am grateful that she is heading to college and I am so happy that she has a bright future ahead of her. 

The sigh is because, while I know I have friends, I feel lonely.  Like there is something missing.  I’m ready for the next chapter in my life.  I’m ready to explore and cross a few things off my list.

As a single woman, who is pretty strong, I wonder – am I a superhero? Does being a superhero mean I can’t sigh?

Sigh, I just don’t know. 

Thoughts on Motherhood

I started this on May 19, 2017 ~ finally finishing and publishing on May 30, 2017 ~ Motherhood has me all kinds of cray-cray!

Everyday I read and hear people tell me how hard Motherhood is, how hard it is to work and raise kids or how hard they have it as a stay at home mom.
When I start to think about my life I am very grateful that I don’t see Motherhood as hard.  It has its challenges, that is for certain. 

My daughter is now 18.  

She didn’t arrive in a smooth fashion, instead she showed up early and spent 45+ days in the NICU. That wasn’t easy, going home and not taking my daughter with me. 

I get a lot of people who don’t understand how I am not upset when my daughter is not home for extended periods of time. 

I have been divorced since 2001, I’m used to not having her home.  I have always shared her with her dad and his family.   

Do I love her any less?  No.  Am I a bad mom when I don’t miss her as much as other parents miss their kids?  No. 

Have I cried over the last 18 years?  Sure I did.  I have cried a lot, as there have been many things to cry about.  Today was one of those days.  It was her last day of school.  Today I took her to school, picked up leftover artwork and knew that it was the last day she would buy her coffee and water and walk the halls as a student. 

Then I sat in my car and cried.  Will I admit it openly, no, but I cried. 

In my opinion Motherhood is not hard.   Then again maybe I am not a normal mom.  I enjoy a clean home, but I would rather some home from work, cook dinner and sit my ass on the couch and enjoy the couple hours of quiet than scrub a bathroom, vacuum or clean litter boxes.  I also live in an apartment, so on a Saturday I can clean top to bottom in 3 or so hours. 

Maybe Motherhood doesn’t seem hard to me because I don’t have a spouse or significant other at home with me.  This means no fighting, no setting expectations for another person and being able to do your own thing.

What I do know is, my opinion on Motherhood will always be it is hard, you never get a day off and you will never feel the same kind of love that you get when a child hugs you, no matter what the age. 

We are now 72 hours post-graduation and all I know is the tears keep springing up and I realize how much I will miss her in my life each and every day.  

Just as my mother has loved me through my good, bad and ugly I shall do the same as my daughter makes her way through life. 

Hug your families a little tighter this evening.

Maybe It Is Me?

Well folks, my self esteem has tanked.  I have been a paying member of both Zoosk and EHarmony and apparently it must be either my photos or how I am wording my answers.  Right?
Maybe people aren’t doing online dating? Maybe they don’t get online dating?

Lately I have been the target of one and done dates, men that hat and don’t follow up or men that are so much older than me it is disgusting to think about. 

Let’s take for example a man I have been “chatting” with for over 3+ weeks.  This happened:

I guess meeting is too much to ask.


Then I really started to question myself and my profiles and thought who better to analyze my dating profile than the internet. 

Now I am asking the interwebs to take a look. Be honest. What should I do?

Here is my EHarmony profile.  Be honest – I can’t grow without help.  They say honesty is the best policy. 

Profile pictures – yay or nay?

Basic information – not too spicy!


Likes/Dislikes – not much I can improve on! Right?

Any suggestions? The internet knows me best!

Missing a section, need some help!

At the end of the day my profile gets skipped over, men don’t respond to my messages. Instead I get winks and lewd remarks that amount to feeling all kinds of strange things. 

Are there any good men out there? Ones that open doors, care and are kind.  Maybe a man that talks about more than sex, can discuss careers, current events, sports and other topics.

I wonder if I am meant to be single.  Maybe I need to go back to just taking care of me. 

At the end of the day, it is my heart and my soul that keep getting rejected and little by little they are wearing down. 

Share your thoughts – they are always welcome and received with an open mind. 

Peace and Love!