Sigh

Tonight I sit at home in pajama pants with the sky darkening and threatening to rain.  The dog is snoring next to me, the cats are scattered and sleeping.  We are all pleasantly exhausted.

Tomorrow brings about Sam coming home for a few days so she can get her college orientation done and a doctors appointment. This week at work is crazy busy, but will be fulfilling as always. 

I still find myself saying “sigh” tonight, even after reading, making a huge bowl of pasta salad, watching Orange is the New Black and straightening up around the apartment.  I feel unaccomplished and like I am not doing something I should be. 

I sigh because my heart is heavy.  I am lost without having my baby girl home every night. Cooking for one has been a challenge.  Pippa misses Sam and so do the cats.  I sigh because I realize how many things my daughter has done to help me around the house that now I am doing.  I sigh when I want to talk about my day and she isn’t here. 

I am grateful that she is heading to college and I am so happy that she has a bright future ahead of her. 

The sigh is because, while I know I have friends, I feel lonely.  Like there is something missing.  I’m ready for the next chapter in my life.  I’m ready to explore and cross a few things off my list.

As a single woman, who is pretty strong, I wonder – am I a superhero? Does being a superhero mean I can’t sigh?

Sigh, I just don’t know. 

Thoughts on Motherhood

I started this on May 19, 2017 ~ finally finishing and publishing on May 30, 2017 ~ Motherhood has me all kinds of cray-cray!

Everyday I read and hear people tell me how hard Motherhood is, how hard it is to work and raise kids or how hard they have it as a stay at home mom.
When I start to think about my life I am very grateful that I don’t see Motherhood as hard.  It has its challenges, that is for certain. 

My daughter is now 18.  

She didn’t arrive in a smooth fashion, instead she showed up early and spent 45+ days in the NICU. That wasn’t easy, going home and not taking my daughter with me. 

I get a lot of people who don’t understand how I am not upset when my daughter is not home for extended periods of time. 

I have been divorced since 2001, I’m used to not having her home.  I have always shared her with her dad and his family.   

Do I love her any less?  No.  Am I a bad mom when I don’t miss her as much as other parents miss their kids?  No. 

Have I cried over the last 18 years?  Sure I did.  I have cried a lot, as there have been many things to cry about.  Today was one of those days.  It was her last day of school.  Today I took her to school, picked up leftover artwork and knew that it was the last day she would buy her coffee and water and walk the halls as a student. 

Then I sat in my car and cried.  Will I admit it openly, no, but I cried. 

In my opinion Motherhood is not hard.   Then again maybe I am not a normal mom.  I enjoy a clean home, but I would rather some home from work, cook dinner and sit my ass on the couch and enjoy the couple hours of quiet than scrub a bathroom, vacuum or clean litter boxes.  I also live in an apartment, so on a Saturday I can clean top to bottom in 3 or so hours. 

Maybe Motherhood doesn’t seem hard to me because I don’t have a spouse or significant other at home with me.  This means no fighting, no setting expectations for another person and being able to do your own thing.

What I do know is, my opinion on Motherhood will always be it is hard, you never get a day off and you will never feel the same kind of love that you get when a child hugs you, no matter what the age. 

We are now 72 hours post-graduation and all I know is the tears keep springing up and I realize how much I will miss her in my life each and every day.  

Just as my mother has loved me through my good, bad and ugly I shall do the same as my daughter makes her way through life. 

Hug your families a little tighter this evening.

Maybe It Is Me?

Well folks, my self esteem has tanked.  I have been a paying member of both Zoosk and EHarmony and apparently it must be either my photos or how I am wording my answers.  Right?
Maybe people aren’t doing online dating? Maybe they don’t get online dating?

Lately I have been the target of one and done dates, men that hat and don’t follow up or men that are so much older than me it is disgusting to think about. 

Let’s take for example a man I have been “chatting” with for over 3+ weeks.  This happened:

I guess meeting is too much to ask.


Then I really started to question myself and my profiles and thought who better to analyze my dating profile than the internet. 

Now I am asking the interwebs to take a look. Be honest. What should I do?

Here is my EHarmony profile.  Be honest – I can’t grow without help.  They say honesty is the best policy. 

Profile pictures – yay or nay?

Basic information – not too spicy!


Likes/Dislikes – not much I can improve on! Right?

Any suggestions? The internet knows me best!

Missing a section, need some help!

At the end of the day my profile gets skipped over, men don’t respond to my messages. Instead I get winks and lewd remarks that amount to feeling all kinds of strange things. 

Are there any good men out there? Ones that open doors, care and are kind.  Maybe a man that talks about more than sex, can discuss careers, current events, sports and other topics.

I wonder if I am meant to be single.  Maybe I need to go back to just taking care of me. 

At the end of the day, it is my heart and my soul that keep getting rejected and little by little they are wearing down. 

Share your thoughts – they are always welcome and received with an open mind. 

Peace and Love!

Parenthood

I recently had the privilege of spending quality time with three amazing people.  These 7 days were some of the most blissful and exhausting days in recent years.  Some things that I realized over these 7 days when it comes to motherhood led me to believe that even though I love the smell, touch and sound of a wee little one, as I am rounding the corner to 40, caring for a newborn is a lot harder than I recall.

There are a number of things that are now a part of raising a baby that were not a part of raising my daughter (who is now 18 and graduating high school) back in 1998.

Let me start with bottle warmers.  We didn’t have these fancy contraptions.  Your baby cried and cried until you could get the water in the sink warm enough to soak the bottle in a cup to warm the milk.  Now, in 3.5 minutes you can have a bottle ready to go.  I find this a wonderful contraption, yet I think every parent should experience the baby wailing at the top of their lungs who wants nothing more than to be fed.

Next up, Diaper Genies.  A convenient way to dispose of stinky diapers.  Now, I think this is genius.  We had a garbage can, but it sure didn’t contain the smell the same way the Diaper Genie does.  I absolutely love this contraption.

Baby bathtubs may have existed when my daughter was younger, but I sure didn’t have one.  Instead we used the kitchen sink.

4Moms Baby Swing is something that I sure as heck didn’t have.  It is a pretty neat contraption, but I am not 100% sure that it is something that my daughter would have ever used.  I am lucky she used a bouncer seat and the one we had sure as heck didn’t have a battery operated contraption attached to it.

I forgot what cat naps were and I forgot what trying to decipher a cry was like.

I was reminded what it was like to pack up a baby, put them in the car and go to the grocery store.  It is a challenge to grocery shop when you have a baby in a car seat and can only fit so many groceries around a car seat without feeling like you are smooshing the baby and ruining whatever food you are getting.

I was pleasantly surprised that a Boba Wrap wasn’t as confusing as I thought it was and allowed me to be hands-free to work a little while he was sleeping.

At the end of the day, taking care of a baby, cooking, cleaning and working is exhausting. It isn’t for the faint of heart, however it causes your heart to swell with love and joy every time you look into the sweet eyes and catch a coy smile along the way.

As I move further away from my 20’s and closer to my 40’s I am reminded I make a good aunt to little boys and girls.  My little bit of time that I spent with a sweet 2 month old took me back to the times when things were simpler in the technology arena, but everyone still gave you advice and their two cents worth.  It is still the same though, nobody knows your baby better than you do and you can take it all with a grain of salt.

All the amazing people in my life that are moms and dads have one thing in common – their unconditional love for their children.  You can see it in their eyes and hear it in their voice, along with sheer exhaustion, there is a love, only a parent can explain.

I will always be grateful for being a parent.  Always.

7 Years

It seems so long ago.  Hard for me to recall a lot of details.  I can tell you what I was wearing and what a room looked like, or what I ate, but to describe activities and connect them to specific dates, not likely. 

It is funny how a string of memories connects itself 7 years later and triggers all kinds of feelings. 

————

7 years ago I tried the whole rekindling an old romance by visiting Pennsylvania.  Spent a long weekend there touring the city and enjoying time with someone that, to this day, I really care about. 

Romance, in particular long distance romance, wasn’t what I needed at the time.  It was apparent, neither did he. 

We were in two different worlds and my life was just starting to get put back together and his career was taking an upward swing. 

Was I crazy about him, yes.  I still am today.  He is one of the most talented people I know.  One of those individuals who I will always have a connection with, in one way or another. 

Funny, 7 years later we text nearly everyday.  I look forward to bantering about sports, work and the occasional personal items.  

While the whole rekindling romance thing regretfully didn’t work out (both then and now) a short while later I was introduced to someone, slightly more local. 

We did the whole talking/texting thing until all hours of the night and eventually went out.  Then he actually asked me to be his girlfriend.

So, I was.  For a short time. 

Funny thing, he is still a part of my life.  He is smart and funny, sarcastic as ever.  We have dinner when we are in town together and text occasionally.   There hasn’t been any inclination of rekindling, but it’s nice to know he is still a friend.

I share this today because people have a way of coming in and out of our lives at strange times, when we least expect it.

Does this mean anything? 

I’m not a scientist, so for me it means I am lucky. Very lucky to have people in my life I can pick up where we left off and still be social with years later. 

Not everyone is someone you will talk to every day for the rest of your life, but appreciate and celebrate the small moments of having good people in your life. 

Now, if you think I have an amazing memory, you are wrong.  These events could have happened 10 years ago, but thanks to Facebook I can tell you when things happened in my life.  

Aren’t you excited?

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,

Lately as I have been traveling more days than I have been home, I have felt like I was missing out on your life. 

Now, in 58 days you will be free from high school and preparing for your college journey.  

That journey will take you places and I will not always be able to be by your side.  I will wish that I could be there, to protect you and shelter you from all that sucks in the world, but reality is I can’t be. Always know I am a phone call or text away. Always.  

I struggle each day with finding a balance between being a good mom, being your friend and letting you “adult” as much as possible. You have done a great job growing up and have really managed to hold things together while I am gone. For that I am grateful and proud of you.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t wish I was there to sit with you, listen to you and hold you as you go through happy and sad times.  Because of this, I always wonder if I am a good mom.  

  • Do I do enough for you? 
  • Do I provide enough for you? 
  • Do I push you too much? 
  • Do I push you too little?
  • Am I feeding you enough?
  • Am I making sure you are safe?
  • Do I love you enough and do you love me back?

As a mom it is my job to teach you life lessons.

  • How to drive.
  • Cooking for yourself. 
  • Laundry. 
  • Healthy habits.
  • Good work ethic. 
  • Treating others properly. 
  • Cleaning tips and tricks.
  • A love of people, places and things. 

Each day that passes I wonder if I have instilled good habits and ones that will carry with you, even when I am gone. 

Sometimes at night I cry. Mainly because I miss you. Just having you around brings a smile to my face. We don’t even have to be doing anything and I know you are safe and sound in the next room.

I know our life hasn’t been perfect.  In fact each day I worry that I am going to make a mistake and hurt you. I never want to make you cry and I never want to hurt you. 

As each day passes, my love for you grows more and more. It is never easy for us (particularly me) to express how I feel in person.  Sometimes just writing it down helps. 

I love our little road trips, the music you play, the stories we share and the memories we make. I can’t offer you big trips, but I will always do what I can to make memories. 

Today was a hard day for you. You did some great adult things (again) and were a huge help to me.  Your independence has been increasing by the week and although I worry feverishly, I am confident in knowing you are succeeding in all you do. 

You have a wonderful head on your shoulders and are accomplished in many things. If you put your mind to it, you get it done.

In the words of Hamilton, don’t throw away your shot, ever.  You are young, scrappy and hungry for more and I look forward to seeing you be successful no matter what path you choose. 

As your mom I will always want to protect you from all harm, bad and evil. Even though you push me away, know that I have your back and I am always watching over you.

Yes, the saying holds true, you aren’t pregnant and don’t use drugs, but that doesn’t mean I don’t worry about you.  Just remember that. 

I love you

Mom

xoxo

Dating…Still

Just when I thought maybe, just maybe, my career in dating was over – nope – I am back at square one.

If you haven’t followed along, and you need a laugh, start with reading these blog posts!

Let me sum up dating for you, especially if you are one of those, “love at first sight and you got married to your first crush folks”. 

It’s like learning to ride a bike. 

You start with a big wheel or tricycle and that goes well for a while. You can’t fall far off of those.  They are easy and get you from point a to point b in a relatively short period of time. It’s kinda clunky, doesn’t really match your outstanding personality though.  Nevertheless you stick with it.  Determined to ride and be a part of society. You know, like your friends.  You don’t want to be the last one without a bike.   

Everyone has one. 

Then you see your friends, they graduated from those mini movement machines.  They have…two wheelers, with training wheels.  

You want one. Shit. How did everyone move on so quickly. We were a pack, a pack of single women who were loving our long rides together…now I am left behind. 

So, you dump the tricycle or big wheel and go looking.  You find one, it is new and shiny. Has a bell and pretty streamers coming from the handlebars. So, you get on the new bike. You try it out. It’s a bit wobbly at first. Not what you were expecting. However it is fun, new, exciting and an upgrade from the big wheels you started with. You keep riding your two-wheeler with training wheels. Until it isn’t a fit anymore.  Why doesn’t this work? Maybe because everyone else has taken their training wheels off.  Could be the streamers are getting dirty or simply because it just doesn’t feel right. You aren’t as excited to ride it like you once were.

Do you stick in your comfort zone and keep riding what’s easy and comfortable?  No. You build up all the gusto and strength you have to move forward.  You don’t want to hurt your training wheels, as they may come in handy in the future, but for now – adiós training wheels, mama needs something shiny and new. 

So, you start looking. 

  • Do you want a banana bike?  
  • What about a Schwinn?  
  • How about a BMX?  
  • Mountain bike?

Is there a Facebook quiz that will tell me what kind of bike I should be looking for?

You do what lots of others did. You take out an ad. One for a new bike.  I decide I want a bike that makes my stomach have butterflies after our first meeting. I want a bike that gets me from point a to b, quickly. A bike that likes taking me to dinner, movies, hockey games, theatre, parks, museums. This bike needs to be shiny and sleek. I don’t want a project, I want a bike that I can start riding the minute I take it home. Does this even exist?

Many bikes out there claim to be that awesome diamond in the rough.  The two-wheeler of my dreams. At first glance, maybe they are.  Then, after trying it out, I likely return it within its 90 day, no questions asked guarantee. 

I’m still looking.  Looking for that perfect bike. One that will go on long rides with me to the park, take a break to enjoy the scenery and be trusted and reliable.  That bike is out there, I just need to keep looking.

Dating is not for the faint of heart.  When you are a person who has feelings and cares, you don’t ever want to hurt someone.  So you hold them at arms length and don’t let them close, but don’t really cut them off either.

Until the next shiny bike shows up…

In case you wondered, I am still looking. My latest round of dating, well let’s just say I managed to crash and burn that as quickly as it started. I don’t get to pass go or collect $200. Instead I sit over on start and wait for my next turn. 

He was a good guy. Kind, sweet and treated me well.  I just got hung up on small and petty things – I didn’t want a project. 

I wanted a ready to go, no problem relationship.  

That didn’t happen.

Any advice?  

Share with me your dating stories.  

I need a good laugh.