They can change a person. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse and sometimes, things just stay the same.
It is like blogging, I really loved writing for a long time, but then some people took what I wrote and twisted it around and it became more of a hassle to put myself out there and be honest about things. Instead I just stopped sharing, as I was tired of being hurt.
I look back to the year 2010 and where I was in my life. You know what? I really don’t remember much. Honestly I can’t think of anything that was life changing for me (marriage, birth, death etc.) in that specific year. I had some employment changes, I moved, had a few relationships start and end and really just lived life each day without really recalling specific events (or at least the date that they occurred).
Honestly, thank goodness for Facebook and Shutterfly memories because I am pretty darn sure that I would not know my own birthday, let alone anyone else’s.
I recall some things that happened to others over the last 10 years:
My brother was married in December 2010
Samantha graduated high school in 2017 & subsequently started at The Ohio State University shortly thereafter
Samantha also turned 21 which was a pretty wonderful celebration with family & friends
My nephew was born in 2013 in England
My best friend lost her grandma
I watched children of friends graduate high school, head off to college and through the power of the internet was able to keep in touch with others in a new way.
Really, the last decade has been a blur. I have made new friends, lost friends and rekindled old friendships. It seems like there is never enough time to spend with friends and everyone has crazy schedules.
Every year we all make resolutions and we all try to make commitments to do better, be a better person, eat healthier, read more, take time for ourselves and at the end of the day, I feel like I don’t accomplish a single one of those things. Do you?
I have been laughing lately at all the wellness equipment being sold on television for the holidays and wonder to myself, if I spent $3,000 on a new bike or mirror, would I use it for a bit and then let it go or would it make me more committed to my health?
I know that I am constantly trying to be a better person, a nicer human, more caring, compassionate and take time to check on all of my friends to make sure they are okay. I feel like a huge failure most of the time and wonder how to be a better person at least towards others.
As the year is coming to a close I wonder if closing up my blog for now is the best option, it just sits there, year after year and I post maybe 3 or 4 times, not really sure I am even enjoying what I am posting. I keep up with the usual social media ~ Facebook, Instagram and Twitter and I am starting to use LinkedIn a bit more, but really it is like I said above, I don’t get to be “me” and that can become a bit annoying/frustrating as “me” is not always positive and “me ” is not always able to be a ray of sunshine, sometimes I am a b**ch and sometimes I am crabby. A lot of times I am in pain and lets face it, do we really post pictures of our faces with anger on them or with tears streaming down them?
The answer is simply, nope.
What can I say that sums up the last ten years?
The last ten years have simply been chaos, sometimes good chaos, but sometimes a chaos that is so terrible and overwhelming it consumes ones life. I choose to look at the chaos in three ways; did I learn from it, did I grow from it and did it kill me? Usually the answers are clear and since I am still writing today I am going to go with the fact that nothing has killed me.
As the decade comes to a close the last ten years around the sun have taught me to love fiercely and deeply. To let everyone know how I feel about them. To never leave a stone unturned, do my research and if my gut tells me no, then I probably shouldn’t do it. To take care of others and when it is time for me to ask for help, which isn’t often because I am stubborn, others will help me as well.
I have learned who my true friends are and how to have a relationship with my family. It has been strained and challenging, but now I can see things differently and accept where I came from. I can look at others and accept where they are coming from and do my best to meet them in the middle.
In the last ten years I have aged enough to know that things like politics, religion and history are all important and I should do my best to be knowledgeable about them. NPR is my new favorite radio station and I am okay with that.
Sports are still my favorite pastime and moving to Columbus 8 years ago has rekindled by love of hockey.
Romantic encounters are still not my forte. I mean I moved to Columbus to follow love and that didn’t turn out well. I began and ended another long term relationship and in the middle of all that I have had a few passerby’s some of whom made a mark on my life and some I was happy to leave in the past.
As I enter 2020 at the wonderful age of 41, I am choosing to not conform to what society sees as a typical 41 year old. I still live in an apartment, I still struggle financially, I am in no way going to be able to retire in style, I don’t drive a fancy car, I stopped getting my hair colored and my nails done because if you don’t like me for who I am and what I look like, then you aren’t my kind of person. At 41, I am watching my daughter succeed in college making her own choices, I am watching her find and leave behind relationships and I am learning that my love for her will never change. She is by far the most talented and charismatic individual that I know. I am lucky that no matter what anyone else calls me, she calls me mom.
So many times we end a year and call it a dumpster fire or terrible. So many times we look to the next year to hopeful for better things to come. We forget to look back on the past and smile because it happened. We forget the good things and the good times because lets face it, not every day can things be terrible.
I am leaving the last ten years behind and I don’t know what the next ten years will bring. What I do know is I am choosing to find joy, choosing to not see each year defined as its terrible events, but instead look and find the good that has happened in each year and build off of that for the next year to come.
In 2020 I am not making resolutions, instead I am making a commitment to change. Change my way of thinking, change my way of handling relationships, change my outlook on the world and do my best. That is all I can do. My best. It may not be for everyone, but at the end of the day, it is all I can offer.