Every Road Leads to an End

I have heard this saying before in my life and I never really understood it.  Maybe that is because I think every road leads to something bigger and better.  

I would like to think that roads may twist and turn, but each road is an adventure that can lead to amazing and wonderful things. 

In life I have traveled down many paths and many roads.  Some were successful, some not so much. 

I figure that destiny will lead me down the path I am supposed to be on.  This may be because I avoided another road. I am good at avoiding roads.  If it is too challenging or complicated, I have been known to avoid it. I am not a fan of confrontation or causing myself to face adversity.

I’m currently faced with a number of conundrums in life.  My career, relationships and just life problems.  I am looking down a number of paths and each one has countless possibilities.  Which one will hurt the least amount of people? Which paths effect the least amount of people?

I would like to think of life as simple, but this thing called emotions is shattering me physically, mentally and emotionally.  I keep taking the road of helping others, but right now I need that shoulder to cry on.  Messy crying.  Lots of wine.

Learning to be alone. It’s not easy. It’s a path that I knew I was going to go down eventually, still not ready for it.  It hurts. 

Since every road has a different path, and I guarantee none of them are straight, I am finding out that I have some books to read, creativity to use and hobbies I need to start. 

Which road?  Where will I end up? 

Only getting out of my head and letting time pass will tell. 

What the Heck?

I have not been blogging much because quite frankly I don’t have time. My weeks look like this:

Monday – Drive from Columbus to Cleveland

Tuesday – Work in Cleveland

Wednesday – Work in Cleveland and plan to go home at the end of the day, but stay because…work. 

Thursday – Work in Cleveland and try to finish before 3:00 pm to make it home by dinner – not a guarantee. 

Friday – it’s a crap shoot if I make it home to my family (well, my daughter and pets) before 5:00 pm. 

Saturday – Clean and cook so that when I leave again there is food and the apartment doesn’t look like pigs live in it. 

Sunday – Laundry and pack – hopefully have a meal with my daughter and go to bed early. 

Part of me wishes for a normal life.  You know the fairytale that looks like this:

Get up (without a migraine and looking amazing)

Make everyone breakfast while smiling and being cheerful)

Send everyone on their way, take a leisurely shower, get ready and go to work (after making sure the house is immaculate and dinner is prepped)

Come home, do homework, make dinner and enjoy family time

Everyone goes to bed without a problem and I can enjoy wine, a bath, a good book or some television 

Go to bed with my loving partner and do it all again the next day

What. The. Heck. 

Who knows if this is really a thing.  If it is, shit, I want in on it. 

My life is instead riddled with anxiety, thoughts of not being good enough, add some level of hating how I look and make sure to include a healthy fear of being alone forever. 

Again, what the heck?

When I called my mom tonight and kindly explained (through tears) that I was not wanting to come home Sunday because it meant a lot of unnecessary driving, she made me feel like it is all my fault that I have a job that takes me out of town.

Yes mom, it is my fault. 

It’s my fault I live in Columbus

It’s my fault I travel too much. 
It’s my fault I go home to Columbus Saturday morning to come back to Cleveland Sunday for Easter, back to Columbus and then go back to work Monday morning in Cleveland. 

I must come home and drive 10+ hours over less than 72 hour period to appease my mom.

It’s no wonder I’m single and find it impossible to fall in love.  When the hell do I have time to date?

I miss my home.  I miss having a life.  I miss my daughter and I miss my pets. 

That right there is my life. I work hard and go without a lot to make them happy.  Because they make me happy.  I sacrifice and sometimes put myself and my needs last to make sure they are cared for.

Just for once I would love to not be left saying what the heck and shaking my head at the end of each day. 

What’s next?

I’m not sure, but I’m open for suggestions!

When I Look…

One of the things I have tried to instill into my daughter and all little girls that are part of my life is that you need to be who you are and own it. 

The problem is that I don’t always own who I am.  

Why?  

  • Because I am ashamed of my past life. 
  • Because I don’t like what I see. 
  • Because I think I am ugly.
  • Because I think I am obese. 
  • Because my mental health gets in the way. 
  • Because friendships don’t come easy.
  • Because sometimes my mouth moves faster than my brain. 
  • Because once in a while my heart moves faster than my head. 

When I look in the mirror I see what’s not there vs what is there. I see a woman who is almost 40 missing a lot of things:

  •  A partner
  • A house I own
  • A sexy body
  • A college education
  • Money in savings
  • Good credit

I have great intentions and really have plans to do great things mentally, physically and emotionally.

  • Drink water
  • Go to the gym
  • Walk more
  • Eat clean
  • Save money
  • Think positively
  • Work on my wellness
  • Better friendships

Lately I feel like a crappy friend and family member.  Likely because I can’t seem to be there for anyone.  I want to be able to care for everyone all the time and when I can’t I sink deeper and deeper into a depression.

When I look in the mirror I start to see lies, cheats, deception and everything I have done that is horrible.  I forget to look at the good, wholesome and productive things that I have done and still do. 

Someone asked me about suicide the other day after the death of the founder of the Semi Colon Project that brought awareness to suicide. We had a brief heart to heart where I really didn’t get a chance to share my suicide stories, but listened to theirs.  It made me start thinking about my past and I realized how far I have come in the last few years.

Over the years I have never been able to ignore my mental health, as it stares me in the face everytime I look in the mirror.  It doesn’t go away, but I learn how to live deal with it and manage.

My point in all this is, when I look into my own eyes I see pain and sorrow.  I want to see happiness and joy in my eyes on a daily basis.  I know that sometimes there are bad days and sometimes there are great days.  What I look for is an in-between to have all the time, a medium ground. 

When I look at life I ask myself why for a number of reasons and try very hard to stop comparing myself to others.

It is because of my mental illness that I have these thoughts and feel like I am going crazy sometimes.  Will I ever be able to have a normal life, probably not.  Will I ever be able to think normal thoughts, likely no.  Maybe one day I will be able to improve my self esteem and feel better about myself. 

What I do know is I can’t rely on someone else to make my self-esteem improve.  I also know that I can’t be in a relationship if I can’t take compliments and be truly happy. 

As I look into the mirror tonight I see someone who spent the day in pajamas and whose hair is cattywompus, but crossed some things off her list and managed to keep two dogs from ruining my home. 

What do you see tonight when you look in the mirror?