After Bottle #1

Here I am.  Saturday night. 

Made dinner for myself, put Grace & Frankie on and started a bottle of wine.

What I have realized after this bottle of wine is how sad and lonely I am.  I am not liking empty nesting.  I’m not liking cooking for one – mainly because I hate leftovers, but because you can’t buy food in America for one very easily. 

I also realized that most of the time talking isn’t going to fix anything.  I want to talk and I want to spill my guts. The issue is there isn’t anyone here to listen.  There isn’t anyone here to hold me when I cry.  Talking about it just makes it worse. 

Ever since I got home this week it has hit me that being here is lonely. I realized how sucky it is when it hit me I haven’t seen my actual nephew since my birthday in May, my mom doesn’t ever call and when she does she doesn’t understand what I am saying.  My dad only calls when I call first or if it is a holiday.  When I invite my brothers family he always says it’s too far to drive in one day. 

Why wouldn’t I be sad and lonely?  It’s not like my family puts me first.  I’m 2+ hours away and that’s apparently like an eternity to them. 

Then when your one friend says that your ideas are silly when you try to make plans – you start to feel worse and worse. I was looking forward to getting out a bit tonight – even if it was just to sit in a car and watch a movie.  It didn’t need to be complicated.  Just spend time with me.  

When another friend just stops talking to you for no real reason it stings a little more.

When you get two messages from two people, like a blast from the past and that twinge of excitement quickly fades as you realize what their initial intent was for contacting you. 

After a while staying home alone becomes the norm. Being content alone is sufficient. Binge watching Netflix and chilling alone, that’s okay. 

I am one bottle of wine in and I am perplexed. 

The tears keep flowing.  I wonder, what is so wrong with me?  I would do anything for anyone and have done things for others, even when it was hard. Yet day in and day out I am left to feel like an outcast.  Is it my looks?  My intelligence? Am I not funny enough?  Can I not carry on a conversation?  What is it?

All of this reminds me why I don’t like being around people.

As much as people think I am a social butterfly, I am really not.  I am truly your extroverted introvert. 
So – I’m fine. I’m always fine.

Blogging from Bed

The time is now 11:35 pm on a Friday night.  Here I am blogging from my bed. 

You may wonder why I am doing such a thing.  You may ask yourself why isn’t she sleeping in her perfectly good bed. Others may be more provocative and guess that I am up because I had a hot date. 

Folks, I am here to tell you I am awake and blogging from bed because my mind won’t shut the hell up and let me sleep. 

I am nestled in my queen size bed, with a dog to my left and two cats squished up on my legs and one other cat who thinks my iPhone keyboard is her personal play toy. 

I have lavender diffusing and a Himalayan salt lamp glowing.  I have the windows open…

Hold on, need to go take a Zyrtec

I’m back after disturbing animals so that I don’t wake up with swollen eyes. Silly me. Where was I?

Oh yes, blah blah and the windows are open and I am settling in for a peaceful nights sleep.

I could put on a meditation loop, but that drains my phone battery. I could read, but then I fall asleep with the lights on. I could just close my eyes and drift off to sleep. 

10 minutes later….

Did I place the Amazon order I needed to place?

Shit, did I put all the groceries away?

What am I cooking tomorrow?

I have no life and no plans – I am pathetic!

My eye is itching – should have taken Zyrtec sooner. 

Stupid people outside, I just want fresh air – be quiet. 

Let’s check out Pinterest for graduation center piece ideas. 

Holy shit!  I just want to sleep. 

Let’s try this again…

Deep breaths while thinking happy thoughts. Focus on good things and find my happy place. Inhale the sweet smell of lavender. 

What the f**k ~ now the animals feel the need to play ring-around-the-rosie on my bed. 

It is now 11:53 pm. 

I seriously need sleep.  All I can think about is work and

Oh look, a text message from a friend and I should check Facebook, awe sweet Logan loving me. 

Yep, right in the middle of me trying to calm my brain down I get sidetracked.  This is why I am blogging from bed tonight. 

I do not think I was this restless when I had a baby, maybe because I passed out from sheer exhaustion. 

However, this crap has got to stop. 

I need sleep. 

Okay, I’m getting myself comfy, hitting publish on this post and maybe by 1 am I’ll be asleep. 

Yours in Sleep,

Jody

My Story Isn’t Over


2 years ago. This was very important to me.  

2 years have passed. It is still important to me today.

I am eternally grateful for those who held my hand that day because it was one I will never forget and one that makes me always think twice before saying anything to anyone about myself. 

I have a habit of opening up, letting people in and getting hurt by those who judge me. I wear my battle scars proudly and I share my life story with everyone who will listen in the hopes of helping them. 

Recently I was invited to a conference to discuss recovery housing.  It blew me away how many people actually want to listen to the story of someone who, 15+ years ago would have benefited from a form of housing that supported mental health or addiction recovery.  It was empowering to be in rooms where, today, people that need help are being helped. Being there and opening up to people, those I consider friends and colleagues, was something I wasn’t sure I was ever going to be able to do, without being judged, belittled or stigmatized against. 

Sadly, being hurt and judged is something I have become accustomed to experiencing. However, it is my decision how I act upon that hurt and judgement.  You see, while knowledge is power, it also yields a double edge sword that can hurt me and those around me. 

When I have taken the Briggs-Myer personality tests in the past I have been considered a “Consul” or ESFJ.  When I read through what the description is, I tend to agree with a lot of it, but choose to disagree with a lot of it as well. I love people, this is true and social situations both intrigue me and scare me. 

I have borderline personality disorder.  Most think this means I have a split personality – I don’t, that is a different diagnosis.  I have spent hours in countless therapy sessions and gone through an array of DBT Skills classes to get to where I am at 39.  I have also been diagnosed as ADD, which for me came on at a late age. Both of these combined led to a pretty rough past life and one that, in some instances, I am not proud of. 

You see, the plus side to my personality type and my mental health diagnosis is that I am aware. I know what my strengths are and I know what my shortcomings are.  Sometimes I can stop myself before doing/saying something and sometimes I can’t.  So, while I believe sharing is caring – sometimes it isn’t.

When I say my story isn’t over, it’s because I am not going to continue to be ashamed of myself and my life.  I chose to live it freely and do the best I can for everyone involved.  Will I keep making mistakes, sure.  Sometimes I will hurt myself and others in the process, but I won’t use my mental health diagnostic code as an excuse or my scapegoat. 

Like me, love me and walk with me or walk away.

My story isn’t over.

Every Road Leads to an End

I have heard this saying before in my life and I never really understood it.  Maybe that is because I think every road leads to something bigger and better.  

I would like to think that roads may twist and turn, but each road is an adventure that can lead to amazing and wonderful things. 

In life I have traveled down many paths and many roads.  Some were successful, some not so much. 

I figure that destiny will lead me down the path I am supposed to be on.  This may be because I avoided another road. I am good at avoiding roads.  If it is too challenging or complicated, I have been known to avoid it. I am not a fan of confrontation or causing myself to face adversity.

I’m currently faced with a number of conundrums in life.  My career, relationships and just life problems.  I am looking down a number of paths and each one has countless possibilities.  Which one will hurt the least amount of people? Which paths effect the least amount of people?

I would like to think of life as simple, but this thing called emotions is shattering me physically, mentally and emotionally.  I keep taking the road of helping others, but right now I need that shoulder to cry on.  Messy crying.  Lots of wine.

Learning to be alone. It’s not easy. It’s a path that I knew I was going to go down eventually, still not ready for it.  It hurts. 

Since every road has a different path, and I guarantee none of them are straight, I am finding out that I have some books to read, creativity to use and hobbies I need to start. 

Which road?  Where will I end up? 

Only getting out of my head and letting time pass will tell. 

Sigh

Tonight I sit at home in pajama pants with the sky darkening and threatening to rain.  The dog is snoring next to me, the cats are scattered and sleeping.  We are all pleasantly exhausted.

Tomorrow brings about Sam coming home for a few days so she can get her college orientation done and a doctors appointment. This week at work is crazy busy, but will be fulfilling as always. 

I still find myself saying “sigh” tonight, even after reading, making a huge bowl of pasta salad, watching Orange is the New Black and straightening up around the apartment.  I feel unaccomplished and like I am not doing something I should be. 

I sigh because my heart is heavy.  I am lost without having my baby girl home every night. Cooking for one has been a challenge.  Pippa misses Sam and so do the cats.  I sigh because I realize how many things my daughter has done to help me around the house that now I am doing.  I sigh when I want to talk about my day and she isn’t here. 

I am grateful that she is heading to college and I am so happy that she has a bright future ahead of her. 

The sigh is because, while I know I have friends, I feel lonely.  Like there is something missing.  I’m ready for the next chapter in my life.  I’m ready to explore and cross a few things off my list.

As a single woman, who is pretty strong, I wonder – am I a superhero? Does being a superhero mean I can’t sigh?

Sigh, I just don’t know. 

Thoughts on Motherhood

I started this on May 19, 2017 ~ finally finishing and publishing on May 30, 2017 ~ Motherhood has me all kinds of cray-cray!

Everyday I read and hear people tell me how hard Motherhood is, how hard it is to work and raise kids or how hard they have it as a stay at home mom.
When I start to think about my life I am very grateful that I don’t see Motherhood as hard.  It has its challenges, that is for certain. 

My daughter is now 18.  

She didn’t arrive in a smooth fashion, instead she showed up early and spent 45+ days in the NICU. That wasn’t easy, going home and not taking my daughter with me. 

I get a lot of people who don’t understand how I am not upset when my daughter is not home for extended periods of time. 

I have been divorced since 2001, I’m used to not having her home.  I have always shared her with her dad and his family.   

Do I love her any less?  No.  Am I a bad mom when I don’t miss her as much as other parents miss their kids?  No. 

Have I cried over the last 18 years?  Sure I did.  I have cried a lot, as there have been many things to cry about.  Today was one of those days.  It was her last day of school.  Today I took her to school, picked up leftover artwork and knew that it was the last day she would buy her coffee and water and walk the halls as a student. 

Then I sat in my car and cried.  Will I admit it openly, no, but I cried. 

In my opinion Motherhood is not hard.   Then again maybe I am not a normal mom.  I enjoy a clean home, but I would rather some home from work, cook dinner and sit my ass on the couch and enjoy the couple hours of quiet than scrub a bathroom, vacuum or clean litter boxes.  I also live in an apartment, so on a Saturday I can clean top to bottom in 3 or so hours. 

Maybe Motherhood doesn’t seem hard to me because I don’t have a spouse or significant other at home with me.  This means no fighting, no setting expectations for another person and being able to do your own thing.

What I do know is, my opinion on Motherhood will always be it is hard, you never get a day off and you will never feel the same kind of love that you get when a child hugs you, no matter what the age. 

We are now 72 hours post-graduation and all I know is the tears keep springing up and I realize how much I will miss her in my life each and every day.  

Just as my mother has loved me through my good, bad and ugly I shall do the same as my daughter makes her way through life. 

Hug your families a little tighter this evening.

Maybe It Is Me?

Well folks, my self esteem has tanked.  I have been a paying member of both Zoosk and EHarmony and apparently it must be either my photos or how I am wording my answers.  Right?
Maybe people aren’t doing online dating? Maybe they don’t get online dating?

Lately I have been the target of one and done dates, men that hat and don’t follow up or men that are so much older than me it is disgusting to think about. 

Let’s take for example a man I have been “chatting” with for over 3+ weeks.  This happened:

I guess meeting is too much to ask.


Then I really started to question myself and my profiles and thought who better to analyze my dating profile than the internet. 

Now I am asking the interwebs to take a look. Be honest. What should I do?

Here is my EHarmony profile.  Be honest – I can’t grow without help.  They say honesty is the best policy. 

Profile pictures – yay or nay?

Basic information – not too spicy!


Likes/Dislikes – not much I can improve on! Right?

Any suggestions? The internet knows me best!

Missing a section, need some help!

At the end of the day my profile gets skipped over, men don’t respond to my messages. Instead I get winks and lewd remarks that amount to feeling all kinds of strange things. 

Are there any good men out there? Ones that open doors, care and are kind.  Maybe a man that talks about more than sex, can discuss careers, current events, sports and other topics.

I wonder if I am meant to be single.  Maybe I need to go back to just taking care of me. 

At the end of the day, it is my heart and my soul that keep getting rejected and little by little they are wearing down. 

Share your thoughts – they are always welcome and received with an open mind. 

Peace and Love!