Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,

Lately as I have been traveling more days than I have been home, I have felt like I was missing out on your life. 

Now, in 58 days you will be free from high school and preparing for your college journey.  

That journey will take you places and I will not always be able to be by your side.  I will wish that I could be there, to protect you and shelter you from all that sucks in the world, but reality is I can’t be. Always know I am a phone call or text away. Always.  

I struggle each day with finding a balance between being a good mom, being your friend and letting you “adult” as much as possible. You have done a great job growing up and have really managed to hold things together while I am gone. For that I am grateful and proud of you.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t wish I was there to sit with you, listen to you and hold you as you go through happy and sad times.  Because of this, I always wonder if I am a good mom.  

  • Do I do enough for you? 
  • Do I provide enough for you? 
  • Do I push you too much? 
  • Do I push you too little?
  • Am I feeding you enough?
  • Am I making sure you are safe?
  • Do I love you enough and do you love me back?

As a mom it is my job to teach you life lessons.

  • How to drive.
  • Cooking for yourself. 
  • Laundry. 
  • Healthy habits.
  • Good work ethic. 
  • Treating others properly. 
  • Cleaning tips and tricks.
  • A love of people, places and things. 

Each day that passes I wonder if I have instilled good habits and ones that will carry with you, even when I am gone. 

Sometimes at night I cry. Mainly because I miss you. Just having you around brings a smile to my face. We don’t even have to be doing anything and I know you are safe and sound in the next room.

I know our life hasn’t been perfect.  In fact each day I worry that I am going to make a mistake and hurt you. I never want to make you cry and I never want to hurt you. 

As each day passes, my love for you grows more and more. It is never easy for us (particularly me) to express how I feel in person.  Sometimes just writing it down helps. 

I love our little road trips, the music you play, the stories we share and the memories we make. I can’t offer you big trips, but I will always do what I can to make memories. 

Today was a hard day for you. You did some great adult things (again) and were a huge help to me.  Your independence has been increasing by the week and although I worry feverishly, I am confident in knowing you are succeeding in all you do. 

You have a wonderful head on your shoulders and are accomplished in many things. If you put your mind to it, you get it done.

In the words of Hamilton, don’t throw away your shot, ever.  You are young, scrappy and hungry for more and I look forward to seeing you be successful no matter what path you choose. 

As your mom I will always want to protect you from all harm, bad and evil. Even though you push me away, know that I have your back and I am always watching over you.

Yes, the saying holds true, you aren’t pregnant and don’t use drugs, but that doesn’t mean I don’t worry about you.  Just remember that. 

I love you

Mom

xoxo

Dear Future Partners

Dear Future Partners,

I am writing this tonight in the hopes that those who choose to Google me before we date have a clear sense of what I am looking for.

The list isn’t long and I don’t have a lot of requirement or rules when I make a plan to meet someone, but there are some standards that I am looking for.

#1 – My moral compass states that it is inappropriate to date anyone knowing that they are married.  This means if you are not divorced, dating me is likely not going to happen.  I am not going to be the other woman.

#2 – Don’t do drugs or be an alcoholic.  The occasional beverage is fine, I am not going to short you for that, but if you require copious amounts of alcohol or drugs to get through each day – I will pass.  I believe in recovery, but I am not the one to date if you are in active addiction.

#3 – Do unto others as you would want done to you.  Meaning if you want your partner to treat you well and you want to be treated with respect and kindness, then do that for your partner.  Be honest and forthright.  Don’t hide things.

#4 – Don’t lie, cheat or steal from me or others.  I lived that life once and I don’t want to live it again.  People recover from bad past behaviors, but I can’t tolerate someone being actively deceitful.

#5 – It is okay to have flaws and not be perfect, but own it.  Be who you are and say how you feel. Nobody is perfect. Nobody.

Dr Seuss

With all of that being said, here are some things that some may consider wrong with me.

#1 – I am insecure. This is by far my biggest flaw. Deep down I know I am smart, pretty, funny and kind, but at the end of the day, I seek out the reassurance and respect of those I surround my self with.

#2 – When I am in a new relationship, I want to spend as much time with a person as I can.  It is new, exciting, fun and I want to get to know everything about you.  Now this may be because I do not want to get hurt down the road and would rather get it over with quickly (like ripping off a bandaid), however I just want to be able to experience all that is a new person in my life.

#3 – Florence Nightingale is my inspiration. She was a kind and loving woman who wanted to take care of everyone around her. She put her mark on the nursing profession and made sure that those around her were taken care of. I desire to be like her in caring for others and making sure their needs are always met before mine.

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#4 – I use social media and I use emojis. I don’t apologize for this. However, I am fluent in the English language, but sometimes I like acting like I am 12.

#5 – I am a hopeless romantic. I love picnics, walks, baking and cooking for my partner and overall making sure that they feel loved and cared for by doing the simple things. You don’t have to do big and elaborate things to make me happy and I promise I am all about doing small and sweet things to make you happy.

At the end of the day I am pretty simple. I don’t need a lot to be happy.  Here are my things that I need/want in life.

  1. Roof over my head + bonus points if it has a big kitchen.
  2. Children – young or old, I want children in my life.  They can be grown or they can be small, but I want to be able to care for children.
  3. Pets.  I love my dog and cats (in fact the dog is snoring next to me as I type this and there are two cats on either side of me).
  4. Sports – I love sports. We can disagree on teams, but don’t turn off football or hockey when I am watching it.
  5. Family and friends. I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for them, so don’t think I am going to abandon them for you. I want you to integrate into life and be a part of theirs too.
  6. Physical compatibility – this is important. I am not saying we need to be skinny or body builders, I am saying that we need to be able to match up physically. This also fuels into romance and intimacy. Without these a relationship is doomed.
  7. Career – I want a career that I love and I hope that my partner has one too. However the career pays the bills and shouldn’t come before the other person.
  8.  Communication – this is important and maybe shouldn’t be last, but being able to communicate and know how best to do so is important.

Well my future partners, I am not sure if you are up to the task, or if all of this seems daunting to you. However maybe, just maybe if everyone was open and honest when it came to dating and who they were looking to date, we wouldn’t have this crazy life that pushes us to be who we are not.

Until next time friends I wish you the best in all that you do and ask that you please keep me in line and let me know when I am maybe stepping out of the boundaries or normal and into abnormal.

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Trauma Can Happen Anywhere

trau·maˈtroumə,ˈtrômə/

noun

1. a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.

In case you didn’t know the definition of trauma, there it is. 

Maybe you should note the words distressing or disturbing.

Let’s talk about what those two words mean. 

dis·tress·ing

dəˈstresiNG/

adjective

causing anxiety, sorrow or pain; upsetting.

dis·turb·ing

dəˈstərbiNG/

adjective

causing anxiety; worrying.

Those two words alone spell out trauma with their definitions. Anxiety can be traumatic and worrying can be traumatic. 

What’s traumatic for one is not necessarily traumatic for another. Many also call trauma PTSD and relate this to veterans and what they experience in war.  The thing is, PTSD doesn’t only happen to veterans.  

For example a woman who has previously been beat on may be traumatized when watching a television show where a woman gets hit.  Because of this the woman may choose to only watch certain television shows and movies. 

Another example is someone who may have been in a car accident can be traumatized when in a car with someone else or even driving themselves. Due to past trauma never getting in a car again is a possibility. 

These are kinda extreme examples, but hopefully you get the point.

Think about bad things that have happened in your life; storms, car accidents, natural disasters.  

If you have lived in Cleveland the blackout about 12 years ago was traumatic for some (by some I mean me on the 50th floor of Key Tower). 

For some September 11, 2001 is traumatizing and on its anniversary each year people want to hide in fear. 

Can trauma be overcome? Sure, over time and with the right support services. Counseling is one option, cognitive behavioral therapy is another and many prefer group therapy or peer support to get past things that happen in their life that they can’t shake. 

I focus on trauma today because there have been many traumatic things that have occurred in my life.  The odd thing is, the trauma doesn’t always surface immediately.  It can take years, as was the case this week. 

What can you do for someone suffering from trauma?

Listen – sometimes they just want to talk it out. 

Respect – it’s their trauma, not yours.  Don’t make fun of it and don’t put them down for their feelings. 

Ask – ask them what you can do to help, maybe it is just helping them relax. 

Validate – validate their reactions and their feelings. 

The closer someone was to a traumatic event the harder it may be to overcome the traumatic event. Know that you aren’t the problem, but you can help and be a part of the solution. 

Just like there’s always time for pain, there’s always time for healing.

Mirrors

When I look in the mirror what do I see?

I don’t see pretty.

I don’t see sexy.

I see ugly and unattractive.

Recently I had a long conversation with a friend.  He was kind and informed me that I was attractive, that I have a nice smile and pretty eyes. While that was nice and sweet, it was what he didn’t say that really got to me.

I used to think I was all that and a bag of chips. As I am nearing 39, I realize that is not the case. I don’t have what society, or even my doctor calls a healthy body (as I sit here at McDonald’s and write this between appointments), my skin still breaks out like I am in my teens, I am pretty sure I find a new ache or kink each day when I wake up, my hair isn’t long and beautiful (it is short and the gray hair has been popping through something fierce), once in a blue moon I can get my nails to grow and if I am not wearing makeup I feel naked.

It is amazing what happens when I take before and after pictures.

This first picture was heading into the salon.  I was in desperate need of an update. I mean realistically I don’t think that any guy would have walked up to me and started a conversation looking like this.  No makeup, hair a wreck and eyebrows totally array.  The second picture, was later that night – I had my hair cut, colored (all one color) put some makeup on and made sure my eyebrows were shaped.

 Please tell me you see the difference and agree with me?

Maybe I have perfected the art of the selfie?  Maybe I can just get away with taking pictures from the neck up that make me look goooooood! Regardless, I am not in the minority of women out there. As I sit at this McDonald’s and drink my Diet Coke, I listen to other women (of various ethnicities) talk about make up, hair and nails. They are swapping recipes or looking up fad diets on their phones (yes, we are still at McDonald’s and talking about dieting).

In this whole process of dating and trying to make sure that I feel better and look better in order to attract “the right one” I find myself slipping back into the mentality of who the hell cares if I ever meet someone, being alone is just fine and once in a blue moon I start to think that I am not worth it and not deserving of love.

When I look in the mirror I see someone that has failed herself and her family miserably. Someone who hasn’t ever owned a house, held down a job for more than 2 years at a time and runs far from problems instead of trying to fix them.

Does this sound like a person who deserves to love another and be loved by another?

Not in my opinion.

Moving back to what happens when I look in the mirror – I am sad. I see what used to be a vibrant and outgoing person. Now, you could classify me as an extroverted introvert and if you aren’t sure what the hell that means – this article explains it better than I ever could. People say I have a lot of friends and I have people that love me and will help me, but someone said the other day I must feel like a used car and I laughed (I mean I was laughing so hard I was crying) when they explained what they meant. The problem is, once I realized what they meant, I went from laughing to tears. They were right, I feel like I get passed up/around by people. This is why when I look in the mirror, I see damaged and used goods and nobody wants that long term.

There is a song by Gnash that is called “I Love You I Hate You” and these lyrics about sum up how I feel most days:

I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

Mirrors are not my friend and unless I am putting makeup on or doing my hair, I try not to look in them. My confidence is better when I am not looking in the mirror and I just do what I do, not giving two shits about what anyone thinks about me.

Does this sometimes get me in trouble?  Yep.

Do I really care?  Nope.

I am me. Love me. Leave me. I will always be me.

I encourage anyone who has the same self-esteem problems or doesn’t like looking in the mirror to spend some time loving you. It can be a bath, hot shower, face mask, manicure, pedicure, time alone, a massage or just reading a book with a nice candle. Start loving you.

Don’t worry about what others think about you.

Easier said than done, but worth a try – am I right?

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Dating…Still

Just when I thought maybe, just maybe, my career in dating was over – nope – I am back at square one.

If you haven’t followed along, and you need a laugh, start with reading these blog posts!

Let me sum up dating for you, especially if you are one of those, “love at first sight and you got married to your first crush folks”. 

It’s like learning to ride a bike. 

You start with a big wheel or tricycle and that goes well for a while. You can’t fall far off of those.  They are easy and get you from point a to point b in a relatively short period of time. It’s kinda clunky, doesn’t really match your outstanding personality though.  Nevertheless you stick with it.  Determined to ride and be a part of society. You know, like your friends.  You don’t want to be the last one without a bike.   

Everyone has one. 

Then you see your friends, they graduated from those mini movement machines.  They have…two wheelers, with training wheels.  

You want one. Shit. How did everyone move on so quickly. We were a pack, a pack of single women who were loving our long rides together…now I am left behind. 

So, you dump the tricycle or big wheel and go looking.  You find one, it is new and shiny. Has a bell and pretty streamers coming from the handlebars. So, you get on the new bike. You try it out. It’s a bit wobbly at first. Not what you were expecting. However it is fun, new, exciting and an upgrade from the big wheels you started with. You keep riding your two-wheeler with training wheels. Until it isn’t a fit anymore.  Why doesn’t this work? Maybe because everyone else has taken their training wheels off.  Could be the streamers are getting dirty or simply because it just doesn’t feel right. You aren’t as excited to ride it like you once were.

Do you stick in your comfort zone and keep riding what’s easy and comfortable?  No. You build up all the gusto and strength you have to move forward.  You don’t want to hurt your training wheels, as they may come in handy in the future, but for now – adiós training wheels, mama needs something shiny and new. 

So, you start looking. 

  • Do you want a banana bike?  
  • What about a Schwinn?  
  • How about a BMX?  
  • Mountain bike?

Is there a Facebook quiz that will tell me what kind of bike I should be looking for?

You do what lots of others did. You take out an ad. One for a new bike.  I decide I want a bike that makes my stomach have butterflies after our first meeting. I want a bike that gets me from point a to b, quickly. A bike that likes taking me to dinner, movies, hockey games, theatre, parks, museums. This bike needs to be shiny and sleek. I don’t want a project, I want a bike that I can start riding the minute I take it home. Does this even exist?

Many bikes out there claim to be that awesome diamond in the rough.  The two-wheeler of my dreams. At first glance, maybe they are.  Then, after trying it out, I likely return it within its 90 day, no questions asked guarantee. 

I’m still looking.  Looking for that perfect bike. One that will go on long rides with me to the park, take a break to enjoy the scenery and be trusted and reliable.  That bike is out there, I just need to keep looking.

Dating is not for the faint of heart.  When you are a person who has feelings and cares, you don’t ever want to hurt someone.  So you hold them at arms length and don’t let them close, but don’t really cut them off either.

Until the next shiny bike shows up…

In case you wondered, I am still looking. My latest round of dating, well let’s just say I managed to crash and burn that as quickly as it started. I don’t get to pass go or collect $200. Instead I sit over on start and wait for my next turn. 

He was a good guy. Kind, sweet and treated me well.  I just got hung up on small and petty things – I didn’t want a project. 

I wanted a ready to go, no problem relationship.  

That didn’t happen.

Any advice?  

Share with me your dating stories.  

I need a good laugh. 

Monday Musings

Well, another weekend has come and gone and I am pretty sure I accomplished nothing.  Zip, zero, zilch – nada.

When I reflect back on it, I guess I had a good weekend with a hectic social life, that allowed me to spend time with family and friends.

Then I wonder why did I spend time with everyone instead of taking time for me?

Then the anxiety edges in, the headache, the nausea and shit I have just made myself sick, all because I am a people pleaser who can’t ever say no to anyone.

You see, I don’t think like most people. My mind races constantly, I worry all day long and I am always wondering what people think about what Insay, wear or do.

I could have stayed home alone, but instead I went to see the Cincinnati Thunder play on Friday, which was a sad game, but the company was amazing! I saw extended family I don’t see often and got caught up in a spectacular lightening storm on my way home.

Saturday gave way to an old friend bringing their girlfriend to Columbus for her first NHL game and dinner.  The game was amazing and being around friends was great. I think however that I managed to be kinda rude and pulled away from the guy I went with. You see, as awesome, exciting and great the first coupleof weeks were, I managed to shut it down as fast as it started. 

Here is how I feel at the moment…

  • I am too picky and too stubborn – I don’t think that I can deal with anyone else in my life. 
  • I can’t be mean to people (most of the time).
  • I don’t like rejection and I don’t like to reject anyone. 
  • I like affection and love – on my terms.
  • I don’t like messes.
  • I need to feel safe.
  • There are times I am lovey dovey and there are times I am not. It all depends on how I am feeling.
  • Part of my personality is being very organized and very structured.
  • I like calendars, plans and routine. 

I became very overwhelmed after the first couple weeks he and I dated and it has pushed me to shut down.

It was super exciting, new, pleasurable and wonderful. Then it became too much. 

I was trying to work through it all, but still…

I have always been in a relationship that makes the other person happy, the old Jody would say “vacation with you and your family = awesome” or “you love me, great let’s move in together“. 

This Jody knows she can more or less do it on her own and do it well, so anyone I let in is a added bonus. 

  • It will take a special person to love me the way I am. 
  • It will take a special person for me to love and not feel like they are a “project” for me. 
  • I am a head case.
  • I wonder if dating is all that it is cracked up to be?

After a family/friend fun weekend that concluded with a birthday party for an adorable three-year old and being surrounded by people, I closed my eyes and wondered what else is out there?

Deep inside, maybe I am a loner. I blend in with everyone around me, choose to be social and then I am sad, but content when everyone is gone. I love a small group of people that include family and a few good friends, to get inside that circle, you have to be pretty awesome and patient.

It is Monday night, I am in need of sleep and work just keeps piling on. I am no good to anyone right now, not even myself or my daughter. I am snippy, bitchy and downright cranky.

This quote from Horacio Jones says it best:

“I like being alone. I have control over my own shit. Therefore, in order to win me over, your presence has to feel better than my solitude. You’re not competing with another person, you are competing with my comfort zones.”

Peace and well wishes friends.

Essential Oils – February

I wrote about some essential oils that I received in January and this month I picked up a full-size Peppermint and Purification.

On top of that I needed a new diffuser and picked up this amazing Dewdrop Diffuser from Young Living.

I love the soft light that the diffuser emits.  It doesn’t disturb my sleep and depending on the oil I put inside.

The Dewdrop Diffuser comes with free 5-ml bottles of Tangerine and Peppermint essential oils.

This diffuser acts as a humidifier, atomizer, and aroma diffuser in one simple-to-use product. 

Inspired by the purity and elegance of a drop of morning dew, the Dewdrop Diffuser’s design reflects Young Living’s dedication to providing high-quality essential oils. 

Its ultrasonic technology breaks any mixture of essential oils and water into millions of microparticles, disperses them into the air, and releases the constituents found in Young Living essential oils.

This diffuser is super easy to use and there are many great essential oil combinations to help you get through your day.

Here are some combinations that you can use in your diffuser:


There is still time to order in February and get a great diffuser and some amazing oils. Call, email or message me today!

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February PV Promotion Details

300 PV (Retail Value: $187.69): 5-ml PanAway®, 40 Essential Rewards points, 5-ml Palo Santo, 15-ml Wintergreen; Bonus Essential Rewards exclusives: 15-ml Eucalyptus Radiata and 5-ml Lemongrass

250 PV (Retail Value: $121.31): 20 Essential Rewards points, 5-ml Palo Santo, 15-ml Wintergreen; Bonus Essential Rewards exclusives: 15-ml Eucalyptus Radiata and 5-ml Lemongrass

190 PV (Retail Value: $55.92): 15-ml Wintergreen; Bonus Essential Rewards exclusives: 15-ml Eucalyptus Radiata and 5-ml Lemongrass

100 PV (Retail Value: $8.22): Bonus Essential Rewards exclusive: 5-ml Lemongrass