It’s Okay, I’m Nobody

Lately I find myself thinking more and more like I am disposable.  I'm not really one to get down on myself, but lately I am beginning to wonder where I fit in.

It's kind of like high school all over again.  I never really fit in anywhere specific.  Ask my best friend, she will tell you.  I wasn't in band, couldn't sing, don't have a lick of artistic ability and while I played travel soccer, high school sports were not my thing.  I acted a bit, but it wasn't 100% for me.

I didn't date, never really had a boyfriend and most of the time I kept to myself, only to act out when I wanted attention, not always the good kind. Yearbook was okay, but I couldn't commit and I wasn't one to really work that hard to find friends.  It wasn't until Mrs. Herbruck and DECA did I really feel accepted and like I belonged somewhere. 

Here I am 20+ years later, divorced and realizing I am in the same spot I was in back at Strongsville High School.

This is me. Pretty plain and simple. 

However when you visit my Facebook page and see over 1,000 friends or Twitter and see over 1,000 followers you would think that I am an influencer and that I've got game.  

Shit.  

You are wrong. 

I ain't got game and I am one person who can't influence diddly squat. It isn't for lack of trying – I do try and influence others about behavioral health, albeit not as successfully as I would like, but I try.

I am me.  Take me. Leave me.

Period. 

Sometimes I am a nobody, and sometimes I am a somebody.  

Depends on the day. 

The thing is, I may be a nobody, to you, but I am a somebody to someone. Somewhere.

Maybe smiling at a random person will make their day.

Maybe the sandwich I buy the homeless man will help him a little.

Maybe paying someone to help me out when I am in need will pay their bill.

Maybe the text or phone call out of nowhere to an old friend will wake up a friendship.

Maybe a blind date will turn into more.

To any one of those people I was a nobody, until I was somebody.

You see, while I struggle with life daily, not feeling wanted or needed, I have to lie down at night and realize I can't be everything to everyone, instead I will do what I can to be something to someone each day.

Just A Girl With Borderline

Do you know somebody with borderline personality disorder?

Are you a person with borderline personality disorder?

Raise your hand if you have heard of borderline personality disorder!

You know what I am, a girl with borderline personality disorder.

That is my superpower.

For a very long time, I was a person who didn’t understand what borderline personality disorder was. I was just your average person who thought that everybody had a mental health disorder, whether it was anxiety, depression, or some form of the two.  I had heard of things like bipolar disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder, but borderline personality disorder never came up.

As the years and years went by I personally struggled with a lot of mental health challenges. I have spoken before on those challenges and I’m not going to rehash them and their consequences again.

What I do want people to understand is that coping and managing borderline personality disorder is a real struggle. I wish I knew that I had this a long long time ago and I could’ve started therapy and learned DBT skills and other coping mechanisms earlier.  If that had happened, I could’ve managed my well-being and the well-being of those around me a little bit better.

Let’s take for example today and how borderline personality disorder could have had a lot of very negative consequences.

I had some disappointing news today, that would affect the next 72 hours of my life. The disappointing news was shocking and frustrating all at the same time. I understood the news, I understood the reasoning behind the news, but my borderline personality brain wanted to say fuck everybody and go on a tirade.

Did I go on a tirade?  Not at first.

What did I do instead?

Well my eyes welled up with tears and my fingers madly dashed across my cell phone preparing to send a message from hell.  That was until I realized that I had to take a minute and breathe.  After I put my phone down I took a look around and I stopped to catch my breath.  It was then that I was reminded that not everything is about me.  This is kind of shocking since I like to think that the world revolves around me and only me 99% of the time.

You see following along behind my borderline personality disorder is my codependency and insecurities.  What is weird, in other ways I am an extremely independent person who can and will do things for herself.

I digress.

So I am trying to take about five minutes to revaluate the situation and talk to a couple of neutral parties, it is then that I realize the world was not going to end.

I save myself some heartache. I save myself the pain. I saved another person heartache and pain from what would have been the ramifications of borderline personality disorder.

I know now that when I get angry or sad or feelings that bubble up from my stomach into my chest that just want to come flying out of my mouth I have to take a second and push them back down until they are manageable. Sometimes I don’t know what manageable is and sometimes I am a bitch. However the incidents now are far less damaging than they were when I was 13, 14, all the way up until probably by mid 20s.

Folks borderline personality disorder is not split personalities or having two different personalities that show up on a regular basis. It is not being able to control your emotions. I don’t mean you cry when something sad happened or you get angry when somebody hurts you, as both are normal reactions.  It is the feeling of abandonment when someone doesn’t want to do something with you.  It is feeling empty when you have a world of good around you.

Someone like me with borderline personality disorder will take a mole hill and turns it into the biggest baddest volcano in the world.  I also have been known to blame everybody else.  Why?  Because nothing is ever my fault, I don’t do anything wrong.  Now if that were true I would belong somewhere with Mother Theresa and we all know that that is not the case, I am not perfect and that I do a lot of things wrong.

I have also been known to cancel plans and then feel abandoned and lonely, but yet I was the one who canceled plans.

For a long time I was misdiagnosed. I was told that I was diagnosed with bi polar disorder and that was the reason for my manic episodes and lengthy depression.  In reality I was just clueless about how to handle my feelings, not just the big ones, but the ones that happens on a daily basis. It could be something as simple as dropping something on the ground and within seconds, I would be filled with hatred and rage at not just myself, but everyone around me even if they were not a part of the situation.

At the end of the day I am a girl with borderline personality disorder.

Does it suck?  Sometimes.  Can I get through it?  Of course.

 

Living La Vida Alone

Here we go folks.

I am one step closer to being an empty nester.

After having my mini's graduation party this weekend (which was a HUGE success) I am realizing quickly how much I relied on her to be around.

Some say that this will give me time to get to know "me". Others say I will get to focus on my health and wellness. Then the third group says this will allow me to spread my wings and allow the freedom to date and travel.

To all of them I simply say "f**k off" because until you are in my shoes you will not understand the pain of realizing that person you have had in your home almost everyday for 18+ years will all of the sudden be sleeping somewhere 99% of the time.

I have been madly in love with being a mom since 1997. In between I have tried to find "hobbies" like scrapbooking, essential oil crafts, cooking, photography and many more.

Guess what – not successful.

Maybe it's my ADD. Maybe I just get bored easily. Either way I am finding myself cleaning out Rubbermaid tubs of crap that has gone by the wayside.

It has hit me recently, I just like taking care of people. That's all.

I keep busy with work, so my days plus some nights and weekends are full not to mention the animal brigade I have with me. Yet those 3-4 hours that I have alone are sometimes a little much to tolerate.

I think I'm starting to talk to myself people.

I ask the readers, what is it I should do? How have you dealt with being single and an empty nester?

Tonight I am starting with this:

What other thoughts do you have?

After Bottle #1

Here I am.  Saturday night. 

Made dinner for myself, put Grace & Frankie on and started a bottle of wine.

What I have realized after this bottle of wine is how sad and lonely I am.  I am not liking empty nesting.  I’m not liking cooking for one – mainly because I hate leftovers, but because you can’t buy food in America for one very easily. 

I also realized that most of the time talking isn’t going to fix anything.  I want to talk and I want to spill my guts. The issue is there isn’t anyone here to listen.  There isn’t anyone here to hold me when I cry.  Talking about it just makes it worse. 

Ever since I got home this week it has hit me that being here is lonely. I realized how sucky it is when it hit me I haven’t seen my actual nephew since my birthday in May, my mom doesn’t ever call and when she does she doesn’t understand what I am saying.  My dad only calls when I call first or if it is a holiday.  When I invite my brothers family he always says it’s too far to drive in one day. 

Why wouldn’t I be sad and lonely?  It’s not like my family puts me first.  I’m 2+ hours away and that’s apparently like an eternity to them. 

Then when your one friend says that your ideas are silly when you try to make plans – you start to feel worse and worse. I was looking forward to getting out a bit tonight – even if it was just to sit in a car and watch a movie.  It didn’t need to be complicated.  Just spend time with me.  

When another friend just stops talking to you for no real reason it stings a little more.

When you get two messages from two people, like a blast from the past and that twinge of excitement quickly fades as you realize what their initial intent was for contacting you. 

After a while staying home alone becomes the norm. Being content alone is sufficient. Binge watching Netflix and chilling alone, that’s okay. 

I am one bottle of wine in and I am perplexed. 

The tears keep flowing.  I wonder, what is so wrong with me?  I would do anything for anyone and have done things for others, even when it was hard. Yet day in and day out I am left to feel like an outcast.  Is it my looks?  My intelligence? Am I not funny enough?  Can I not carry on a conversation?  What is it?

All of this reminds me why I don’t like being around people.

As much as people think I am a social butterfly, I am really not.  I am truly your extroverted introvert. 
So – I’m fine. I’m always fine.

Blogging from Bed

The time is now 11:35 pm on a Friday night.  Here I am blogging from my bed. 

You may wonder why I am doing such a thing.  You may ask yourself why isn’t she sleeping in her perfectly good bed. Others may be more provocative and guess that I am up because I had a hot date. 

Folks, I am here to tell you I am awake and blogging from bed because my mind won’t shut the hell up and let me sleep. 

I am nestled in my queen size bed, with a dog to my left and two cats squished up on my legs and one other cat who thinks my iPhone keyboard is her personal play toy. 

I have lavender diffusing and a Himalayan salt lamp glowing.  I have the windows open…

Hold on, need to go take a Zyrtec

I’m back after disturbing animals so that I don’t wake up with swollen eyes. Silly me. Where was I?

Oh yes, blah blah and the windows are open and I am settling in for a peaceful nights sleep.

I could put on a meditation loop, but that drains my phone battery. I could read, but then I fall asleep with the lights on. I could just close my eyes and drift off to sleep. 

10 minutes later….

Did I place the Amazon order I needed to place?

Shit, did I put all the groceries away?

What am I cooking tomorrow?

I have no life and no plans – I am pathetic!

My eye is itching – should have taken Zyrtec sooner. 

Stupid people outside, I just want fresh air – be quiet. 

Let’s check out Pinterest for graduation center piece ideas. 

Holy shit!  I just want to sleep. 

Let’s try this again…

Deep breaths while thinking happy thoughts. Focus on good things and find my happy place. Inhale the sweet smell of lavender. 

What the f**k ~ now the animals feel the need to play ring-around-the-rosie on my bed. 

It is now 11:53 pm. 

I seriously need sleep.  All I can think about is work and

Oh look, a text message from a friend and I should check Facebook, awe sweet Logan loving me. 

Yep, right in the middle of me trying to calm my brain down I get sidetracked.  This is why I am blogging from bed tonight. 

I do not think I was this restless when I had a baby, maybe because I passed out from sheer exhaustion. 

However, this crap has got to stop. 

I need sleep. 

Okay, I’m getting myself comfy, hitting publish on this post and maybe by 1 am I’ll be asleep. 

Yours in Sleep,

Jody

My Story Isn’t Over


2 years ago. This was very important to me.  

2 years have passed. It is still important to me today.

I am eternally grateful for those who held my hand that day because it was one I will never forget and one that makes me always think twice before saying anything to anyone about myself. 

I have a habit of opening up, letting people in and getting hurt by those who judge me. I wear my battle scars proudly and I share my life story with everyone who will listen in the hopes of helping them. 

Recently I was invited to a conference to discuss recovery housing.  It blew me away how many people actually want to listen to the story of someone who, 15+ years ago would have benefited from a form of housing that supported mental health or addiction recovery.  It was empowering to be in rooms where, today, people that need help are being helped. Being there and opening up to people, those I consider friends and colleagues, was something I wasn’t sure I was ever going to be able to do, without being judged, belittled or stigmatized against. 

Sadly, being hurt and judged is something I have become accustomed to experiencing. However, it is my decision how I act upon that hurt and judgement.  You see, while knowledge is power, it also yields a double edge sword that can hurt me and those around me. 

When I have taken the Briggs-Myer personality tests in the past I have been considered a “Consul” or ESFJ.  When I read through what the description is, I tend to agree with a lot of it, but choose to disagree with a lot of it as well. I love people, this is true and social situations both intrigue me and scare me. 

I have borderline personality disorder.  Most think this means I have a split personality – I don’t, that is a different diagnosis.  I have spent hours in countless therapy sessions and gone through an array of DBT Skills classes to get to where I am at 39.  I have also been diagnosed as ADD, which for me came on at a late age. Both of these combined led to a pretty rough past life and one that, in some instances, I am not proud of. 

You see, the plus side to my personality type and my mental health diagnosis is that I am aware. I know what my strengths are and I know what my shortcomings are.  Sometimes I can stop myself before doing/saying something and sometimes I can’t.  So, while I believe sharing is caring – sometimes it isn’t.

When I say my story isn’t over, it’s because I am not going to continue to be ashamed of myself and my life.  I chose to live it freely and do the best I can for everyone involved.  Will I keep making mistakes, sure.  Sometimes I will hurt myself and others in the process, but I won’t use my mental health diagnostic code as an excuse or my scapegoat. 

Like me, love me and walk with me or walk away.

My story isn’t over.

Every Road Leads to an End

I have heard this saying before in my life and I never really understood it.  Maybe that is because I think every road leads to something bigger and better.  

I would like to think that roads may twist and turn, but each road is an adventure that can lead to amazing and wonderful things. 

In life I have traveled down many paths and many roads.  Some were successful, some not so much. 

I figure that destiny will lead me down the path I am supposed to be on.  This may be because I avoided another road. I am good at avoiding roads.  If it is too challenging or complicated, I have been known to avoid it. I am not a fan of confrontation or causing myself to face adversity.

I’m currently faced with a number of conundrums in life.  My career, relationships and just life problems.  I am looking down a number of paths and each one has countless possibilities.  Which one will hurt the least amount of people? Which paths effect the least amount of people?

I would like to think of life as simple, but this thing called emotions is shattering me physically, mentally and emotionally.  I keep taking the road of helping others, but right now I need that shoulder to cry on.  Messy crying.  Lots of wine.

Learning to be alone. It’s not easy. It’s a path that I knew I was going to go down eventually, still not ready for it.  It hurts. 

Since every road has a different path, and I guarantee none of them are straight, I am finding out that I have some books to read, creativity to use and hobbies I need to start. 

Which road?  Where will I end up? 

Only getting out of my head and letting time pass will tell.