Just A Girl With Borderline

Do you know somebody with borderline personality disorder?

Are you a person with borderline personality disorder?

Raise your hand if you have heard of borderline personality disorder!

You know what I am, a girl with borderline personality disorder.

That is my superpower.

For a very long time, I was a person who didn’t understand what borderline personality disorder was. I was just your average person who thought that everybody had a mental health disorder, whether it was anxiety, depression, or some form of the two.  I had heard of things like bipolar disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder, but borderline personality disorder never came up.

As the years and years went by I personally struggled with a lot of mental health challenges. I have spoken before on those challenges and I’m not going to rehash them and their consequences again.

What I do want people to understand is that coping and managing borderline personality disorder is a real struggle. I wish I knew that I had this a long long time ago and I could’ve started therapy and learned DBT skills and other coping mechanisms earlier.  If that had happened, I could’ve managed my well-being and the well-being of those around me a little bit better.

Let’s take for example today and how borderline personality disorder could have had a lot of very negative consequences.

I had some disappointing news today, that would affect the next 72 hours of my life. The disappointing news was shocking and frustrating all at the same time. I understood the news, I understood the reasoning behind the news, but my borderline personality brain wanted to say fuck everybody and go on a tirade.

Did I go on a tirade?  Not at first.

What did I do instead?

Well my eyes welled up with tears and my fingers madly dashed across my cell phone preparing to send a message from hell.  That was until I realized that I had to take a minute and breathe.  After I put my phone down I took a look around and I stopped to catch my breath.  It was then that I was reminded that not everything is about me.  This is kind of shocking since I like to think that the world revolves around me and only me 99% of the time.

You see following along behind my borderline personality disorder is my codependency and insecurities.  What is weird, in other ways I am an extremely independent person who can and will do things for herself.

I digress.

So I am trying to take about five minutes to revaluate the situation and talk to a couple of neutral parties, it is then that I realize the world was not going to end.

I save myself some heartache. I save myself the pain. I saved another person heartache and pain from what would have been the ramifications of borderline personality disorder.

I know now that when I get angry or sad or feelings that bubble up from my stomach into my chest that just want to come flying out of my mouth I have to take a second and push them back down until they are manageable. Sometimes I don’t know what manageable is and sometimes I am a bitch. However the incidents now are far less damaging than they were when I was 13, 14, all the way up until probably by mid 20s.

Folks borderline personality disorder is not split personalities or having two different personalities that show up on a regular basis. It is not being able to control your emotions. I don’t mean you cry when something sad happened or you get angry when somebody hurts you, as both are normal reactions.  It is the feeling of abandonment when someone doesn’t want to do something with you.  It is feeling empty when you have a world of good around you.

Someone like me with borderline personality disorder will take a mole hill and turns it into the biggest baddest volcano in the world.  I also have been known to blame everybody else.  Why?  Because nothing is ever my fault, I don’t do anything wrong.  Now if that were true I would belong somewhere with Mother Theresa and we all know that that is not the case, I am not perfect and that I do a lot of things wrong.

I have also been known to cancel plans and then feel abandoned and lonely, but yet I was the one who canceled plans.

For a long time I was misdiagnosed. I was told that I was diagnosed with bi polar disorder and that was the reason for my manic episodes and lengthy depression.  In reality I was just clueless about how to handle my feelings, not just the big ones, but the ones that happens on a daily basis. It could be something as simple as dropping something on the ground and within seconds, I would be filled with hatred and rage at not just myself, but everyone around me even if they were not a part of the situation.

At the end of the day I am a girl with borderline personality disorder.

Does it suck?  Sometimes.  Can I get through it?  Of course.

 

2 thoughts on “Just A Girl With Borderline

  1. Jenn Arsenault says:

    We have learned so much about BPD in the past year. Good for you for standing up and being strong. It doesn’t get nearly enough attention. Hugs!

    Like

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