After Bottle #1

Here I am.  Saturday night. 

Made dinner for myself, put Grace & Frankie on and started a bottle of wine.

What I have realized after this bottle of wine is how sad and lonely I am.  I am not liking empty nesting.  I’m not liking cooking for one – mainly because I hate leftovers, but because you can’t buy food in America for one very easily. 

I also realized that most of the time talking isn’t going to fix anything.  I want to talk and I want to spill my guts. The issue is there isn’t anyone here to listen.  There isn’t anyone here to hold me when I cry.  Talking about it just makes it worse. 

Ever since I got home this week it has hit me that being here is lonely. I realized how sucky it is when it hit me I haven’t seen my actual nephew since my birthday in May, my mom doesn’t ever call and when she does she doesn’t understand what I am saying.  My dad only calls when I call first or if it is a holiday.  When I invite my brothers family he always says it’s too far to drive in one day. 

Why wouldn’t I be sad and lonely?  It’s not like my family puts me first.  I’m 2+ hours away and that’s apparently like an eternity to them. 

Then when your one friend says that your ideas are silly when you try to make plans – you start to feel worse and worse. I was looking forward to getting out a bit tonight – even if it was just to sit in a car and watch a movie.  It didn’t need to be complicated.  Just spend time with me.  

When another friend just stops talking to you for no real reason it stings a little more.

When you get two messages from two people, like a blast from the past and that twinge of excitement quickly fades as you realize what their initial intent was for contacting you. 

After a while staying home alone becomes the norm. Being content alone is sufficient. Binge watching Netflix and chilling alone, that’s okay. 

I am one bottle of wine in and I am perplexed. 

The tears keep flowing.  I wonder, what is so wrong with me?  I would do anything for anyone and have done things for others, even when it was hard. Yet day in and day out I am left to feel like an outcast.  Is it my looks?  My intelligence? Am I not funny enough?  Can I not carry on a conversation?  What is it?

All of this reminds me why I don’t like being around people.

As much as people think I am a social butterfly, I am really not.  I am truly your extroverted introvert. 
So – I’m fine. I’m always fine.

One thought on “After Bottle #1

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