When I Look…

One of the things I have tried to instill into my daughter and all little girls that are part of my life is that you need to be who you are and own it. 

The problem is that I don’t always own who I am.  

Why?  

  • Because I am ashamed of my past life. 
  • Because I don’t like what I see. 
  • Because I think I am ugly.
  • Because I think I am obese. 
  • Because my mental health gets in the way. 
  • Because friendships don’t come easy.
  • Because sometimes my mouth moves faster than my brain. 
  • Because once in a while my heart moves faster than my head. 

When I look in the mirror I see what’s not there vs what is there. I see a woman who is almost 40 missing a lot of things:

  •  A partner
  • A house I own
  • A sexy body
  • A college education
  • Money in savings
  • Good credit

I have great intentions and really have plans to do great things mentally, physically and emotionally.

  • Drink water
  • Go to the gym
  • Walk more
  • Eat clean
  • Save money
  • Think positively
  • Work on my wellness
  • Better friendships

Lately I feel like a crappy friend and family member.  Likely because I can’t seem to be there for anyone.  I want to be able to care for everyone all the time and when I can’t I sink deeper and deeper into a depression.

When I look in the mirror I start to see lies, cheats, deception and everything I have done that is horrible.  I forget to look at the good, wholesome and productive things that I have done and still do. 

Someone asked me about suicide the other day after the death of the founder of the Semi Colon Project that brought awareness to suicide. We had a brief heart to heart where I really didn’t get a chance to share my suicide stories, but listened to theirs.  It made me start thinking about my past and I realized how far I have come in the last few years.

Over the years I have never been able to ignore my mental health, as it stares me in the face everytime I look in the mirror.  It doesn’t go away, but I learn how to live deal with it and manage.

My point in all this is, when I look into my own eyes I see pain and sorrow.  I want to see happiness and joy in my eyes on a daily basis.  I know that sometimes there are bad days and sometimes there are great days.  What I look for is an in-between to have all the time, a medium ground. 

When I look at life I ask myself why for a number of reasons and try very hard to stop comparing myself to others.

It is because of my mental illness that I have these thoughts and feel like I am going crazy sometimes.  Will I ever be able to have a normal life, probably not.  Will I ever be able to think normal thoughts, likely no.  Maybe one day I will be able to improve my self esteem and feel better about myself. 

What I do know is I can’t rely on someone else to make my self-esteem improve.  I also know that I can’t be in a relationship if I can’t take compliments and be truly happy. 

As I look into the mirror tonight I see someone who spent the day in pajamas and whose hair is cattywompus, but crossed some things off her list and managed to keep two dogs from ruining my home. 

What do you see tonight when you look in the mirror?

One thought on “When I Look…

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