Many people don’t believe this, but….
Yes. I am capable of being a bitter, petty and angry person.
This Facebook post (on my personal page) was posted because I was angry, most of the comments were helpful, however not all of them were even remotely necessary.
At this moment I am keeping people at arms length because of how angry I am. Mostly I am angry at myself. Poor decisions, a lifetime of poor decisions are to blame, for the most part.
However the other culprit is I am likely feeling sorry for myself and am jealous of everyone around me. Maybe that’s the downside to social media. You don’t see “real life”.
You don’t share when you loose your shit, yell at your child, spouse or pet. You don’t share when you have a falling out with a spouse or a friend. Gory details are left out, so in reality that pretty family on your Christmas card, may not be so pretty.
I am not asking for pity or for special treatment, but my big heart and chirpy Florence Nightingale attitude just go out the window when the general population I am surrounded by sucks.
When someone needs me, I am always there, it could be for a meal, a ride, to talk, babysit, animal sit – whatever it is, I try hard to help as often as I can. It isn’t that I don’t enjoy doing those things, but I get angry when I need help of any kind and feel like I can’t turn to anyone.
Let’s take for example falling a week or so ago. The owners of the store did nothing to help after watching me fall. Nothing. I bled on their sidewalk and they didn’t care. That makes me angry. If I saw that happen, I would offer to do anything to help the person who fell.
When my nephew was sick at a restaurant today and I needed help, more than some napkins – nobody around us offered. When I see another parent struggle, with anything, all I want to do is offer help and a share a smile.
When I have had long hospital stays, or when I have been bedridden with a migraine or neuropathy, where was a meal or a surprise visit?
Where was everyone when my last relationship ended abruptly and I had to move and start over? I didn’t have friends coming out of the woodwork from high school to help or cheer me up.
I am not there setting up a GoFundMe account because I can’t pay my bills, fill a prescription, make a car payment and I struggle to meet my families needs.
We are trying to figure out how to pay for college, but can’t, so my daughter will have to take out loans out the wazoo.
My company doesn’t offer health insurance and I can’t afford the Marketplace options, so once my medications run out, I can’t refill them.
I can look back on the last 15 years of my life and while I made poor choices and got myself into a lot of trouble on my own, I didn’t have sympathy of family, fiends or colleagues to help. I could run away on a vacation to get away from it all. I dealt with everything. I had a few good friends who tried hard to do what they could, but as the saying goes; when the going gets tough, you find out who your real friends are.
There are many worse off than I am. Those with cancer, who have no one, who struggle to find a place to sleep at night or eat one meal a day. I want to help them all, but I can’t when I can’t help myself sometimes.
Do I have friends? Sure.
Do I have good friends? I’d like to think so.
Can I confide in any one person 100%? Not likely.
Is there one person out there in this universe who knows EVERYTHING about me? Nope.
Have others helped me when I needed it ~ sure, recently I was trying to buy groceries And my friend covered me so I didn’t not have groceries. Another friend has let me go longer than I intended to pay her for taking Sam on a mini-vacation. When I travel up north my one friend tries to make sure I eat a real meal vs on-the-go food.
I do appreciate the small stuff that friends have done for me over the years, I am not trying to be ungrateful, but I am struggling and that is okay. I will always do whatever I can for those around me, even if it means putting myself second or third in the list of priorities.
Yes, I am bitter, petty and angry. Add to that list jealous, scared, intimidated and afraid. I have failed many times before and I am not one to ask for help. I hint at it, but never come out and really ask for it.
So, welcome to life:
- Where people say they are your friend, but ignore you unless it is convenient.
- Where relationships look perfect on the outside, but inside they aren’t so peachy.
- Where lying, cheating and scheming are a part of everyday life.
- Where you keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
- Where when you write or say what you are thinking, but someone takes it the wrong way and will think that you are referring to them.