Sunday Funday

Sometimes I ask myself what I actually did in a day, especially on the weekends. Today I decided to document most of my day in pictures so I could feel a teeny bit accomplished when I reflected back on my day.

This is me, rolled out of bed, threw a headband on, fed the cats, dog and walked the dog.

Took some time and folded 8,000 pieces of laundry 🙄

The Bain of my existence is cat boxes. I completely and absolutely hate cleaning these things every week.

These are a must each day, I need my vitamins!

Must drink water. Lots of water.

Dishes are a bitch and I absolutely hate doing them.

Laundry, wash it, dry it, fold it and eventually put it away. It’s a vicious and neverending cycle.

Unpacked my Pampered Chef order and am über excited to use these things to meal prep and holiday bake.

Spent time with friends at the local Fall 🍁 Festival and enjoyed the sights and sounds in 80 degree weather. Even picked up a little sun!

Came home and planted my succulents and baked a couple of pumpkin pies 🎃

When I look back and think about my days and if I have actually accomplished things, I need to remind myself that a lot of the little things add up to big things and that’s how I feel like I actually get things done.

Sharing in your 30’s

Today I was messaging a friend back and forth about random stuff. Some point in the messaging I shared that I saved money at Target and spent under $100. That alone friends is a HUGE accomplishment, but then she sent me her receipt from Michael’s and I instantly felt better.

My point in sharing this is I started to wonder did our mom’s ever call each other and say “Hey Sally, I saved a lot at KMart today!” or when our dad’s got home they said “Look honey, I couponed at Gold Circle and saved us $50, but got all this cool stuff!”

Was there ever really a store our parents went into and intended on going on for toothpaste or paper towels and walked out with $100 of random crap, kinda like I do at Target?

Is it because we have cell phones now and can message, tweet, snap, Facebook or Instagram every single thing that happens as soon as it happens?

I find that now that I can communicate in real time with certain people and I share a lot more now that maybe I ever did when I had to wait to get home and then pick up the phone and call.

Let’s take for example the other day when I wasn’t feeling good. I was able to tell two friends and get their advice in a matter of minutes. Before technology I would have spent an hour on the phone with each one and accomplished nothing else.

I’m not able to be in Chicago this weekend and since I can’t see my beautiful daughter or gorgeous nephew start to crawl and pull himself up, I’m luckily able to see this all via video and sort of feel like I wasn’t missing out too much.

I’m on the brink of 40 and I have a few good friends I talk to daily. The nice things about these friends is I can talk to them about pretty much anything. From bodily functions, pets, recipes, weight, pains, love, relationships, family and just about anything in between. We can send pictures, videos and get advice at the drop of a needle.

I am not sure why in my 30’s sharing has become easier than when I was in my teens or 20’s, now you could ask me about anything and I would share and share away.

Not sure what is ahead in my 40’s, but I hope to never lose my ability to share and talk with my girlfriends like I do now.

Coming up in the next few days I am going to talk about what the phrases “basic bitch” and “high maintenance” mean, these phrases have been popping up around lately and have me befuddled.

Immobile

Folks, I have never considered myself a very active person. I’m more of a “if I am running, you better be as well, because something is wrong”.

I rejoined Planet Fitness and have been good about going 3-4 days/week, only eating out when absolutely necessary (Starbucks doesn’t count) and making sure I am walking Pippa more often.

This doesn’t mean I gave up all sugar or did some wild and crazy diet. It just means I have made some lifestyle changes.

When I tipped the scale at 215 about 6 weeks ago I almost lost my mind. I can’t remember the last time I was over 200 pounds. I am assuming the stress and massive travel I have been doing (and eating out) caused a majority of my weight gain.

I finally hit under 200 pounds again this week! I was making progress! Until I hit a brick wall!

A week ago today I fell, it isn’t an exciting story, so I’ll spare those details. Instead I’ll show you what it looked like after 8 hours.

Shockingly it wasn’t broken, but f**k it hurt. The emergency room looked at it and said mmmhmmm, it’s a hematoma and gave me a big ass boot to wear. I was less than thrilled.

Made it through last weekend, but now I am restless and even though my boot is gone, I still have a brace. No running, long walks, stairs and especially no driving because of torn tendons and ligaments under the swelling. That has also meant no gym for me.

I have been trying to eat right, but being immobile has equaled no major activity.

Tomorrow I am forcing myself to at least work on abs and arms at the gym, just so I do not lose the progress I have been making.

I need to drink more water and rally back. I’m just hoping that this week didn’t put my progress too far back.

Help me keep going. Motivate me. Kick my ass in gear. Help keep me accountable. I will do the same for you.

Inching Along

I have been getting Facebook messages asking if I was going to blog again and how I was doing, in which case I thought maybe a post with pictures showing what’s been going on since August 14, 2017.

I took a quick trip to Chicago, came home and spent a short bit of time with these two lovelies after work one night. Then it was off to home with my daughter to get ready to send her off to college

After an extensive shopping spree and two car loads, we got her all settled in and I headed towards home.

I had spent most of my summer alone, as my girl was living life in Tennessee. While she was gone I realized I needed to start making some life choices.

After a “last meal” at my favorite place, Condado Taco, I started delving into the lovely world of meal prep. I was edging on a 4-5 day work trip and needed to make sure I wasn’t tempted to go out to eat.

On August 25, 2017, I hit my highest weight in years of 215 lbs. I was devastated and knew it was time to make changes. Meal prep, joining Planet Fitness and investing in an iWatch were all on the list of things to do.

Enjoyed a night out with some girlfriends and started back on the journey of deciding that I was worth it. That someone, somewhere would find me lovable, attractive and worthy of spending time with.

The following week was HELL at work, getting a grant submitted. I got home from that week and wanted nothing more than to sleep for days!

Spent Labor Day weekend visiting family, enjoying good ice cream from a local spot and baking some treats!

Loving on these four creatures as much as possible.

Had a few dates, been to the gym and have continued to cook, clean and declutter my home.

I have an outside cat (or three) who visit my porch frequently that I am feeding and I am set for a couple weeks of busy work and family/friend activities.

Things have really been uneventful, I’ve been up and I’ve been down. I’ve been pretty and I’ve been in pajamas.

Entering into sports season and that makes me happy, especially since that means post-season baseball, football, college football and hockey. I think basketball starts soon, but I’ll leave that to my mom.

Maybe this post will be my catalyst back into blogging and reviewing. Who knows, as I say that often.

Sending peace & love to you!

It’s Okay, I’m Nobody

Lately I find myself thinking more and more like I am disposable.  I'm not really one to get down on myself, but lately I am beginning to wonder where I fit in.

It's kind of like high school all over again.  I never really fit in anywhere specific.  Ask my best friend, she will tell you.  I wasn't in band, couldn't sing, don't have a lick of artistic ability and while I played travel soccer, high school sports were not my thing.  I acted a bit, but it wasn't 100% for me.

I didn't date, never really had a boyfriend and most of the time I kept to myself, only to act out when I wanted attention, not always the good kind. Yearbook was okay, but I couldn't commit and I wasn't one to really work that hard to find friends.  It wasn't until Mrs. Herbruck and DECA did I really feel accepted and like I belonged somewhere. 

Here I am 20+ years later, divorced and realizing I am in the same spot I was in back at Strongsville High School.

This is me. Pretty plain and simple. 

However when you visit my Facebook page and see over 1,000 friends or Twitter and see over 1,000 followers you would think that I am an influencer and that I've got game.  

Shit.  

You are wrong. 

I ain't got game and I am one person who can't influence diddly squat. It isn't for lack of trying – I do try and influence others about behavioral health, albeit not as successfully as I would like, but I try.

I am me.  Take me. Leave me.

Period. 

Sometimes I am a nobody, and sometimes I am a somebody.  

Depends on the day. 

The thing is, I may be a nobody, to you, but I am a somebody to someone. Somewhere.

Maybe smiling at a random person will make their day.

Maybe the sandwich I buy the homeless man will help him a little.

Maybe paying someone to help me out when I am in need will pay their bill.

Maybe the text or phone call out of nowhere to an old friend will wake up a friendship.

Maybe a blind date will turn into more.

To any one of those people I was a nobody, until I was somebody.

You see, while I struggle with life daily, not feeling wanted or needed, I have to lie down at night and realize I can't be everything to everyone, instead I will do what I can to be something to someone each day.

Just A Girl With Borderline

Do you know somebody with borderline personality disorder?

Are you a person with borderline personality disorder?

Raise your hand if you have heard of borderline personality disorder!

You know what I am, a girl with borderline personality disorder.

That is my superpower.

For a very long time, I was a person who didn’t understand what borderline personality disorder was. I was just your average person who thought that everybody had a mental health disorder, whether it was anxiety, depression, or some form of the two.  I had heard of things like bipolar disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder, but borderline personality disorder never came up.

As the years and years went by I personally struggled with a lot of mental health challenges. I have spoken before on those challenges and I’m not going to rehash them and their consequences again.

What I do want people to understand is that coping and managing borderline personality disorder is a real struggle. I wish I knew that I had this a long long time ago and I could’ve started therapy and learned DBT skills and other coping mechanisms earlier.  If that had happened, I could’ve managed my well-being and the well-being of those around me a little bit better.

Let’s take for example today and how borderline personality disorder could have had a lot of very negative consequences.

I had some disappointing news today, that would affect the next 72 hours of my life. The disappointing news was shocking and frustrating all at the same time. I understood the news, I understood the reasoning behind the news, but my borderline personality brain wanted to say fuck everybody and go on a tirade.

Did I go on a tirade?  Not at first.

What did I do instead?

Well my eyes welled up with tears and my fingers madly dashed across my cell phone preparing to send a message from hell.  That was until I realized that I had to take a minute and breathe.  After I put my phone down I took a look around and I stopped to catch my breath.  It was then that I was reminded that not everything is about me.  This is kind of shocking since I like to think that the world revolves around me and only me 99% of the time.

You see following along behind my borderline personality disorder is my codependency and insecurities.  What is weird, in other ways I am an extremely independent person who can and will do things for herself.

I digress.

So I am trying to take about five minutes to revaluate the situation and talk to a couple of neutral parties, it is then that I realize the world was not going to end.

I save myself some heartache. I save myself the pain. I saved another person heartache and pain from what would have been the ramifications of borderline personality disorder.

I know now that when I get angry or sad or feelings that bubble up from my stomach into my chest that just want to come flying out of my mouth I have to take a second and push them back down until they are manageable. Sometimes I don’t know what manageable is and sometimes I am a bitch. However the incidents now are far less damaging than they were when I was 13, 14, all the way up until probably by mid 20s.

Folks borderline personality disorder is not split personalities or having two different personalities that show up on a regular basis. It is not being able to control your emotions. I don’t mean you cry when something sad happened or you get angry when somebody hurts you, as both are normal reactions.  It is the feeling of abandonment when someone doesn’t want to do something with you.  It is feeling empty when you have a world of good around you.

Someone like me with borderline personality disorder will take a mole hill and turns it into the biggest baddest volcano in the world.  I also have been known to blame everybody else.  Why?  Because nothing is ever my fault, I don’t do anything wrong.  Now if that were true I would belong somewhere with Mother Theresa and we all know that that is not the case, I am not perfect and that I do a lot of things wrong.

I have also been known to cancel plans and then feel abandoned and lonely, but yet I was the one who canceled plans.

For a long time I was misdiagnosed. I was told that I was diagnosed with bi polar disorder and that was the reason for my manic episodes and lengthy depression.  In reality I was just clueless about how to handle my feelings, not just the big ones, but the ones that happens on a daily basis. It could be something as simple as dropping something on the ground and within seconds, I would be filled with hatred and rage at not just myself, but everyone around me even if they were not a part of the situation.

At the end of the day I am a girl with borderline personality disorder.

Does it suck?  Sometimes.  Can I get through it?  Of course.

 

Living La Vida Alone

Here we go folks.

I am one step closer to being an empty nester.

After having my mini's graduation party this weekend (which was a HUGE success) I am realizing quickly how much I relied on her to be around.

Some say that this will give me time to get to know "me". Others say I will get to focus on my health and wellness. Then the third group says this will allow me to spread my wings and allow the freedom to date and travel.

To all of them I simply say "f**k off" because until you are in my shoes you will not understand the pain of realizing that person you have had in your home almost everyday for 18+ years will all of the sudden be sleeping somewhere 99% of the time.

I have been madly in love with being a mom since 1997. In between I have tried to find "hobbies" like scrapbooking, essential oil crafts, cooking, photography and many more.

Guess what – not successful.

Maybe it's my ADD. Maybe I just get bored easily. Either way I am finding myself cleaning out Rubbermaid tubs of crap that has gone by the wayside.

It has hit me recently, I just like taking care of people. That's all.

I keep busy with work, so my days plus some nights and weekends are full not to mention the animal brigade I have with me. Yet those 3-4 hours that I have alone are sometimes a little much to tolerate.

I think I'm starting to talk to myself people.

I ask the readers, what is it I should do? How have you dealt with being single and an empty nester?

Tonight I am starting with this:

What other thoughts do you have?